sudstress

Wedding Favor Samples ...duh, can't believe I didn't think of it sooner.

2011-11-30T10:47:00.000-05:00

I know wedding season doesn't start until May, but I make stuff that has to be thought of ahead of time. I got a late jump on the Christmas season, so I'm getting an early one on the wedding planning season. If all those radio ads are true, there will be a bunch of ladies walking around with some new jewelry, ready to make one of the biggest promises of their lives.

The result of this, weddings! The result of weddings... wedding favors!

I feel like such a dummy for not offering this publicly before. Anytime someone has contacted me regarding wedding favors, I describe them to the best of my ability, but I know they sound small to some people. Granted they're favors and are supposed to be small, but it's also soap and people think twice about tiny soap. That's when I offer to send a sample so they can actually see what they're giving their guests. I've never had a future bride not sign on as a client once they hold it in their hands. So, I've set up a listing on etsy - my commerce site - for ordering a sample. Easy peasy. No email necessary, no long description, just a sample in your hand.

The sample costs $0.20 because that is the minimum listing value on the site. Just pay shipping and it's all set. I can't guarantee the color / scent combination since they are previously made, but that won't really matter too much. Each sample will come packaged to give you the total effect. Here are a few examples: You can order one by clicking here.

Today Only Sale!

2011-11-28T09:55:00.000-05:00

Normally I shy away from the status quo, but Cyber Monday is Cyber Monday and it's a great way to get super deals before shipping time gets slim. So.... today only you can enter the coupon code CYBERMONDAY on my etsy site and receive 15% off your entire purchase including sale and clearance items. Sale ends at midnight tonight! If you're in the eastern third of the country, it's not like you can go outside, so you may as well take advantage of the sharkfart weather.

Yay.

The season is upon us and Li'l Z.

2011-11-18T10:52:00.001-05:00

The holiday season always sneaks up on me. One minute it's August, the next, it's Halloween, the next Christmas lights are up all around town. With my preferred six week cure time for my soap, by the time the weather starts feeling wintery, it's mid-November.

I really wanted to do the Avondale Estates Christmas Market this year and fortunately for me, they were full, but somehow found room for me. So, I will officially be participating in the Holiday Market. You can find Sudstress on Sunday December 11, from 12-6 p.m. in the clubhouse at Lake Avondale.

Here is a link to the site.

So, needless to say, I've been making soap like crazy as I also need to make a delivery to Young Blood Gallery & Boutique. Here is some of the soap you'll be seeing at the show:

Yet to be named - smells like holiday spice & Christmas trees.

Pumpkin Spice soap with carrot juice and nutmeg.

Carrot & Shea facial soap with sustainable rosewood, patchouli & carrot seed essential oils.

French Green Clay men's shave soap with lavender, lime & petitgrain.

My favorite so far, Lemongrass - Eucalyptus pumice soap.

Piece o' Cake - smells like chocolate cake, but yummier.

....and not to go unmentioned, my birthday was a couple of weeks ago and my great gift was a quick trip to see my niece who is now six months old. I haven't seen her since she was only 5 weeks, and it's been tearing me up. I finally got to see her in Boulder and I just love Li'l Z. Her name is Zora and she's such a joy!

Something old, something new.

2011-09-28T14:04:00.000-04:00

I'm having soap withdrawals. I was making soap twice a week for a while and with a new work schedule that adds another 10 hours per week, I've had trouble keeping up with all of the things I need to do outside of work, including soap. I can't believe September is almost over! In Atlanta, it can feel like Summer is still holding on into October. I know it is that time when people are starting to need deeper hydration for their skin due to the dryer air moving in. So, I'm bringing back a seasonal favorite, Whipped Shea. It will be available to ship in mid-October. In case you forgot, here's a visual reminder...

What's new? Sweet Basil Jayne! This is my favorite, favorite, favorite new soap of the past several months. It's a blend of Sweet Basil, Rosemary, and Cedarwood. Yuuuuum. Gorgeous scent, gorgeous soap. It will be available in about a week.

While I was going through my blog photos, looking for my whipped shea pictures, I came across this photo of my beloved Neko, whose three years were spent with me. I was there for his birth, his death, and the precious time in between. He was hilarious. He played fetch, he slept on his back next to my pillow every single night with his mouth open, he got into mischief when I wasn't home... Apparently Lilly tried to smack some sense into him with her claws out because this is how I found him when I got home. The evidence still lodged in his face fur.

....and the winner is

2011-08-25T11:29:00.000-04:00

I originally thought I wanted 'Midnight' in the title of this bar, because of the color and because of the nostalgia associated with this scent. As the entries came in, I couldn't decide and I thought I was in trouble because I liked several of them, but none jumped out at me. So, I took a break and didn't think about it, then came back with a fresh pair of eyes. When I did, one jumped out at me this time. I tend to like plays on words and dual meanings for the same phrase. One entry satisfied this while also incorporating the scent theme. Without further ado, the winner is......

'Pipe Dreams' submitted by Allison Burrough. Congratulations! You win a bar of this soap :)

mmmmmm..... woooooddsmoooooke....

2011-08-09T13:33:00.002-04:00

Okay, Homer Simpson might not drool over woodsmoke, but I do. I grew up hiking the Franconia Ridge, Mount Washington, and other parts of the White Mountains of New Hampshire every summer. I look back with fond memories of Greenleaf Hut, Pinkham Notch, Tuckerman's Ravine, Zealand Falls. As I got older, my practice of week-long backpacking trips settled into what I consider luxury or lazy-man camping. This is where you drive into the campsite and go on day-hikes. There's usually a primitive bathroom and sometimes even a shower on site. This way you can fill up half the car with fire-wood and have a campfire every night.

The smell of woodsmoke is deeply embedded into my sensory memory. It carries with it the feeling of being deep in the woods, cultivating an intimacy and trust with nature and with my camping partner. Camping is one of my favorite, favorite, favorite parts of life. Every autumn, I must have a few nights in the Blue Ridge or Smoky Mountains.

That is the feeling with which I made this soap. Granted, every batch I make is a labor of love, but this one makes me swoon just a little bit longer every time I catch a whiff of it. I'm thinking of naming it Midnight in the Woods. I'd like to know what you'd name it though. If I choose your title, I will send you a free bar of this soap. Comments, though moderated, are open to anyone - subscriber or not. Thanks for your input in advance.

You can enter your submission via comment or you can also see other submissions and enter your own here.

Babies and weddings and boyfriends, oh my!

2011-08-04T14:34:00.000-04:00

This has been a good month for Sudstress. A few weeks ago, I got an email from a woman who was looking for 40 baby shower favors and had been referred to me by the lovely Joanna of The Soap Bar and Product Body. (Thanks Jo!) Her shower is this weekend and all has been delivered and signed for. She was so kind to still work with me even though I couldn't do custom without more time; we figured out a way to make what I had in stock, custom for her. I hope they're a hit. We went with exotic berry, stamped 'Baby M' with some pearlescent purple mica.

Then I got an email about a week ago for 60 wedding favors. All was confirmed a few days ago, and I made them Tuesday morning. Her wedding is in September. I've already ordered the gift tags - my best design yet, thanks to istockphoto and their amazing vector artists. One in particular whose style I LOVE. A month seems like plenty of time, unless you're talking making soap, cutting it into 60 little pieces, stamping 60 little pieces, assembling 60 boxes, filling them with shred, packing the soap in them, tying a ribbon and gift tag around each one, packing them and shipping them.... whew!

They will look similar to this:

Today I received confirmation from Allison, who bought a custom order of Gravel Road Grunt - a novelty scented soap with pumice in it that I made for gift bags given away at the Fool's Gold 50/100 mountain bike race a few years ago. Apparently he really liked it because he kept the label all this time and this is the second custom bulk order for it! I'll be making the batch this Sunday for local delivery in a handful of weeks.

Sorry for the poor quality on that last picture. I sort of took it last minute before moving it to the curing shelves. I wanted a record of it, but who needs it when it looks so poorly lit and on paper towel... clearly not staged properly, but you get the idea.

One risk at at a time.

2011-07-28T14:31:00.000-04:00

About a year ago, I started an anonymous blog in an effort to feel like I could say anything I felt with no filter, specifically regarding my Graves' Disease. I've recently decided to write publicly as myself, the reasons for which I've included in my recent post. I have included it in my blog roll. I get a lot of hits to Sudstress from people looking for information on Graves' Disease and decided to give it its own space. It occupies so much of my life, but I don't want it to take over the good parts, like my love of soap. So, you may see it integrated here and there on the Sudstress blog, but it's more likely that I will keep it confined here, at a lump in my throat - a wordpress blog.

I hope to feel the way my loved one's loved one put it: I have (Graves' Disease), but it doesn't have me.

What's new?

2011-06-27T16:13:00.001-04:00

First and foremost, the best new thing in my life is my 7 week old (as of yesterday) niece Zora. Zora is a name of Czech origin - my grandmother spoke fluent Czech, as that's where her mother was from, so it's in our blood. It means dawn or sunrise. I love it. I love her. I visited with the bf a couple of weeks ago and got to meet her for the first time.

This trip gave me a permanent change in perspective. I instantly fell in love with Zora and am pained to be so far away. I know being related gives a person some bias, but she's such a lovely li'l lady. I can't express how incredible it was to observe this little human, watch her face change from second to second, and learn her little idiosyncrasies. She loves to bounce, she needs to bounce or you get squirmy face. She furrows her brows, but when she's tired, if you stroke above the bridge of her nose, between her eyebrows, instantly her eyes close and face relaxes. She sometimes falls asleep with her eyes open; she smiles in her sleep; she fights sleep because she wants to look around, she seems fascinated.

At Red Rocks to see Ray LaMontagne - they only got to stay for three of his songs... such is life with a li'l one.

Just past 6 weeks - she's been starting to smile and giggle. The videos are absolutely adorable.

I finally made some more after hours a few days ago. I was down to the last bar which sold the same day, oddly enough. It's looking good. Should be ready in about a month.

I returned to yoga at a new studio in Oakhurst. I bought a groupon for a month of unlimited yoga. My goal is to make 6 classes per week. So far I've made 3 of the last 4 days. I really like it because there are no mirrors. I hate mirrors in any kind of exercise class. All I do is pick myself apart and lose focus. I know the mindset would be the better fix, but for now, mirror-less studios are going to have to do. Most of the classes are Vinyasa and my shoulders are feeling all of those downward dog poses. I'll update you on my progress.

I switched locations at my job. I was dealing with a dynamic regarding one specific manager that was detrimental to my well-being, so I put in my notice. I was surprised to be offered a position at the other location and I have to say, the place has a really nice feel. I was greeted with a warm hug and a sincere welcome and really like the people I'm with behind the bar. My income will be substantially less, but some things just aren't worth the mental anguish.

That's about all I'll share for now. Life's been jam packed with surprises, new things, small crises, several things up in the air, uncertainty, etc... I suppose that's nothing unique to me, so I'll spare you the rest and leave you with one more photo that is full of love and laughter - the two most important things in life:

not ready yet

2011-06-08T23:21:00.001-04:00

So this soap is not fully cured yet, but it turned out really cool and I want to share it. The scent is lemon verbena mixed with lime, so I'm thinking of calling it Limon Verbena. It looks like a sunny day to me. I want to take a picnic on each bar... Without further ado:

Also, I stopped making Healing Waters Spa Bar a while back because the fragrance was really difficult to work with. I've had several requests, as this was a favorite of many people. I had a bit of the fragrance left, so I made a smaller batch. It wasn't as terrible in a smaller quantity, but I'm still going to have to find a different fragrance. I will keep the design and recipe the same, but it might take some time before I get it right. So for now, there is a limited quantity available - though it's been so long since I made any that the aqua came out a little darker than it used to be and I had to add an ever so slight amount of a complimentary fragrance to have enough for a full batch. It's still got the aloe and sea clay in it, however. Here's what the current batch looks like:

swirls, swirls, swirls and one day sale

2011-05-05T13:17:00.001-04:00

swirls...

sale...

Starting now through the end of the night Friday May 6. Enter "IHeartMom" to get 20% off single bars of soap when you order from my etsy shop. Sale does NOT include custom or bulk orders. If you haven't gotten Mom a gift yet, I have one lemon espresso sweet heart soap left and can stamp 'happy mother's day' on it for you. This way, even if you don't actually have it on Sunday, you can say her gift is in the mail. Scoop up the last one!

Easter sweets

2011-04-03T13:43:00.000-04:00

Every year for Easter, my mom would get me a bunch of chocolate and sweets that I'd collect from inside the colorful plastic eggs she'd hidden around the house and yard. After two decades and 2,000 miles, I was still receiving a box full of chocolate candy, until the year I forced myself to lay down the law. I don't keep things like chocolate and candy and sweets in the house, simply because I can't. It doesn't last. If it is here, I will eat it. I have a terrible sweet tooth, but have tools I employ to make better food choices. So, one day I told her, as much as I love/hate that stuff, I can't control myself when it infiltrates my living space, so please just send ONE piece of chocolate. Since then she abides by my wishes one and includes fuzzy little stuffed creatures and any number of non-edible Easter treats to keep the tradition alive. I must admit, those years where there are zero edibles, well... I'm better off for it, even if there is a part of me that wishes there was just one. Something to satisfy the ol' tooth....

....which leads me to.....

Lemon-Espresso Sweet Hearts!

These have a way of satisfying my sweet tooth without all the added sugar. They look like fudge, the smell sweet, they're smooth and creamy (in the shower, not on the palate). It's the perfect treat to add to your Easter basket this year. Orders through Easter will include gift stamping at no additional charge. Coming soon to Etsy... There are a limited number of these, so if you'd like to pre-order, please email me with your request.

spring sneak peak

2011-03-20T15:58:00.000-04:00

It's the first day of spring, and it's apparent in my step. So far today, I started with a cleansing glass of lemon water; made a palatable kale & parsley smoothie for breakfast (ask if you'd like the recipe, seriously); meditated for 20 minutes; and made a colorful mess whipping up a batch of sweet magnolia. Though I haven't gone out for my run yet today, knowing I have another four hours or so before it gets dark makes me think I might make a second batch shortly. I'm changing the shape of my regular bars and have been wanting to actually make a batch of this type so I can try out my new packaging ideas... I've been re-inspired after a bit of soap-bernation this winter.

Here's a spring sneak peak of a couple of upcoming soaps:

georgia peach

potential new packaging for 3-3.5oz bars

colorful mess from this morning

what came of the colorful mess - bad ass magnolia (not official name)

other side of the magnolia

Out with the old...

2011-01-19T17:23:00.002-05:00

Hello. How are you? Been a while, huh?

I've been going through a transitional phase. My life, my perspective, events that I can't control, thoughts that I am trying to gain control of... all changing. It's positive but not always easy. The mood swings that have invaded my life with Graves' Disease don't make it all that pleasant sometimes either. But I have some incredible things in my life that perhaps would not have been possible if it were not for the difficulties. I have a great love who enriches my life in ways I never imagined. I have a greater compassion than I ever knew I could. I am running again. I have hopes and plans for the future. I have decided to pursue a Masters in Public Health. Just deciding that is huge for me. I have a lot that I want to make room for in my life, for the next phase. In order to do that, I have to let go of some things, both tangible and not.

In honor of this mental and literal house cleaning, I'm having an out with the old sale in my etsy shop. I can't separate one part of my life from the other, so it's only natural that a personal story would precede a sale announcement, right?

Just enter the coupon code "OWTOCLEARANCE" and you'll get 15% off of anything in the shop. I am extending this sale until the end of January. This coupon will expire on January 31, 2011.

me in Memphis, celebrating my birthday with my Love and Ray Lamontagne - whose new-ish album is beautiful, incidentally...

Exclusive... only sudstress appearance of 2010.

2010-12-01T15:45:00.002-05:00

I did not plan on doing any shows this year, as 2010 has come to be called the year of sudsless priorities. However, when I got the invite from Samantha of Talulah B., I had to say yes. I don't have a ton of stock, as I would normally have at this time of year, but I'm going to bring everything I've got. So.... even if you just come to see the gorgeous Pink Palace of Cabbagetown, come say hi and have some cookies. I'd love to see you.

Just click on the picture below to see a larger version or visit the Facebook event page here.

A little early...

2010-11-01T23:33:00.000-04:00

...but I made some candy cane soap. YUM!!! Not the super cool peppermint, but rather more candy and less cane. I haven't really had much time for soapmaking as, both fortunately and unfortunately, I'm working full time and gettin' my learn on.

.. and of course, Christmas Cutie Pies... scented with spruce tree and woodsmoke just like the crisp air outside of a snowy winter cabin... makes me swooooooon

Here are a couple of others I've made recently. Sweet baby blue smells like blue sugar, also YUM!!! I also whipped up a batch before going out of town a couple of weeks ago that is a sort of slightly fruity vanilla latte scent and I have to say, absolutely gorgeous. I love anything coffee or dessert themed, in case you can't tell by my last post...

Finally, I blog about soap...

2010-09-07T16:16:00.000-04:00

I've been extremely busy the last few months. I've worked hard to find balance in my life and include time for my relationships, my soap, meditation and exercise on top of full-time work and school. I haven't had as much time to soap as I would like, but I still was chosen to create some wonderful gifts for the guests and wedding party of a few brides to be who have a wonderful appreciation for unique, handmade gifts.

Eric & Tangela ~ married August 19, 2010

"Words can't express my gratitude enough! These favors bring my wedding full circle. I had a vision in the very beginning and you made the vision a reality! I also got my extra gift, thank you so much. I was going to take a favor from a guest for a souvenir, but you prevented that by being so gracious. I am going to tell all my friends who may be getting married where to go! Thanks again!"

~ Tangela P., New Jersey

Ahmad & Andrea ~ to be married sometime in 2010

Maggie & Joey ~ to be wed March 5, 2011

"I just wanted to tell you THANK YOU SO MUCH for the wonderful favors, cake slices and cutie pies! They are ADORABLE in person! When I brought them home Joe carried the box in and remarked how they smelled just like chocolate. He loves them and thinks they are so neat. He said the cutie pies look like he could take a bite out of them.

They are delightful and I think they will be a big hit at the wedding.

Everything exceeded our expectations and the colors match the linens I have been looking at for the tables - woot! Again, thank you."

~ Marguerite D., Atlanta

Lisa & Josh ~ to be married September 22, 2010

No vacancy

2010-08-29T20:05:00.000-04:00

About a month ago, on my way to work, I noticed a tent set up underneath a tree near the highway. Every time I've driven by since then, I steal a glance to take in whatever I can. Sometimes I see one person, sometimes two, talking or just sitting. Sometimes I see their clothes scattered about or the tent still set up. Then, about a week ago, there was only grass beneath that tree. There was no tent; no socks; no tan, leathery, skinny, grey bearded man attempting to stay cool beneath its branches... until today. I drove by, he was there, and for the first time, I got a clear view of his face. I saw a deep sadness, but I don't know if I projected what I saw onto his blank face because of the context in which I saw him. Maybe he wasn't sad, maybe he was just bored, maybe he was thinking or feeling the breeze on his face, or maybe life, love, or drugs had left him emotionally eviscerated.

I want to pull over and find out. I want to listen to his experience or give him a twenty dollar bill or both. I fear that instead of the romanticized version of who he is and the bad run of luck that brought him there, I'm afraid it's more likely that I'd find a drug addict or mentally ill man. In my mind, he's just a good person dealt a bad hand, but it's probably more realistic to think that he chose meth over shelter. I do try to look upon him with compassion but also with a mind for my personal safety, so I don't stop, not that he'd be willing to share his story with me anyway. I tend to think in terms of worst case scenerio for myself and that if I ever run out of money, make one bad choice, that could be me; that I'm just as vulnerable to being knocked down without a hand to help me back up. That's when I have to be conscious to remember that I am very lucky to have many people who care about me, that would give me a place to sleep, a warm meal or whatever support they could to help me get back up.

This past Monday, I was surprised by the man I've been dating, with tickets to see Ray LaMontagne and David Gray. Both of us reeeeeeally wanted to see Ray LaMontagne, whom I've never seen live. On our way there, we stopped at Whole Foods to pick up something to eat when I had a prolonged episode of arrhythmia, an unfortunate side effect of overactive thyroid, and had to sit down and try to relax. It scared me so much that each time I felt my heart flutter in my chest, I thought "I don't want to die today". Even though that was far from a near death experience, it really drove home the understanding that life is short, precious, and delicate. I don't want to waste it living in the past or the future. I'm very happy right now as I lay on my friend's floor writing this post and I'm so thankful for the people in my life that love and support me. This was a reminder to practice being present and grateful because in an instant, unexpectedly, everything can change. Who are you grateful for in your life? Have you told them so today?

Cup O' Suck (Fun with Needles, Part II)

2010-07-25T18:20:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was one of the more interesting days I've had in a while. I had my second acupuncture appointment with Dr. Li as complementary treatment for my Graves Disease. My resolve was strengthened this week when something I read reminded me of why I'm pursuing alternative treatment and lifestyle to improve my health They wrote that the thyroid is the victim of this disease, not the culprit. If you destroy or remove this vital organ from the body, the disease will find another organ to attack and it's often the eyes and rarely, the skin. I know this is true and I realize that the affects of this disease would be compounded by destroying my thyroid. Dr. Li says that most of her Graves patients that come to her have the bulging eyes and seemed surprised that I did not have them. I would be willing to bet that 99% of those patients have had Radioactive Iodine to kill their thyroid.

In the week since my last appointment, I've felt less fatigued and foggy than I had been feeling for the couple of weeks before my first treatment, and looked forward to my second treatment. I've been drinking lemon or lime water first thing in the "morning" to help give my liver and kidneys a head start each day upon the recommendation of both Dr. Li and Jennifer, my health coach through my Integrative Nutrition program. Such a simple thing and it took me until now to discover this!

I arrived for my appointment and sat again with Dr. Li. She felt my pulse, looked at my tongue and then brought me into the room. This time she started with five minutes of cupping. I know what it sounds like, but litigation will not be necessary. Cupping is actually a method in which suction is created in certain areas in order to stimulate energy flow along certain acupuncture points or meridians. In the link above, you can see pictures of Gwyneth Paltrow and a Chinese olympic swimmer with cupping marks. I thought mine looked pretty cool & I showed them to everyone yesterday. I even took pictures of my own back, which is not as easy as you might think.. even with a mirror (as evidenced by the first photo). Here's what mine look like:

I have to say this was a painless procedure. She left the glass bulbs on me for about five minutes and then said:

"you have looooootttt of toxin. this help pull toxin out of body. drink lot of water today."

Then she started with the needles. Oh boy. There were a couple of tricksters in this batch.. She began with the bottoms of my feet again and I'm fairly sure she went deeper this time because she asked me to cough each time she drove the needle into my foot. Again, the rest were relatively painless except for the inside of the back of my knee which almost tickled more than it hurt and then the very bottom of my lower back, maybe the top of my hip bone/gluteal muscle, was very uncomfortable and difficult to describe. It mostly hurt when she put it in and then I got a couple of shooting sensations through the half hour I lay there, mostly when I breathed too deep that my body moved. She said this was also an adrenal point.

As I lay there, face down with about 30 needles in my body, I once again began meditation. I had a big ol' coffee on my way there, so I found that I had to talk myself out of a little anxiety that started to creep in, but this was not difficult. As I relaxed, I noticed that I started to expect something awesome to happen like last time with the hands. It didn't take long for me to forget that and just breathe and become present. I couldn't breathe as deeply this time, as I was on my stomach and when I took a very deep breath, my back expanded and the needle in my adrenal point would send a sharp reminder that it was a part of me at this moment.

My breathing became shallower and I felt myself in that delicious space beneath the thin veil of unconscious at varying depths for maybe fifteen minutes. I became more awake when my back became extremely warm, as though surging with energy. The heat extended up to my head and I felt I would sweat a few times even though my toes were chilled from the air conditioning. Granted, there was a very dim heat lamp above my back, but it was the same one that was above my abdomen last time and I did not feel this kind of extreme heat. It came on suddenly and intensely and lasted for about ten minutes. I could focus on nothing but my back (just as I could focus on nothing but my hands last week) until I heard someone's foot drag behind me and I thought perhaps it was time to take the needles out, even though did not hear the door open. After a few minutes and the sound of feet shuffling a few more times behind me, I realized that no one was in the room with me. I almost said "hello" but I knew no one would answer back. I won't deny that a small amount of fear began to well up, but then the room fell empty and other noises encompassed the space until Dr. Li came in to remove the needles.

After my session with Dr. Li, I met up with my new-ish friend Larkin, but that's a story for another day. Three hours of awesome conversation later and tomorrow I'm going to go to her Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioner who does this hand analysis thing that's been passed down for generations that only about ten people in the world do. I'm a little fearful about what he's going to tell me regarding my health, but awareness can only contribute to healing, while denial and fear are only destructive.

Love and gratitude to you all for coming with me on my quest for health. I will post pictures soon of all of the wedding favors I've been working on this month.

Poking fun (fun with needles, part I)

2010-07-17T18:06:00.004-04:00

In my quest to heal myself of hyperthyroidism with the goal of lasting remission from Graves Disease, I had my first appointment at the acupuncturist today. It was a positive experience. Upon meeting with Dr. Lily Li, she spent a few minutes to sit with me and discuss my ailments and immediately suggested that stress has played a key role keeping me in dis-ease; a diagnosis I tend to agree with. She explained the concept of a few key body meridians and showed me that many of them converge at my throat, where my thyroid is, kind of like the spaghetti junction of my body and the stress has caused two lanes to be shut down on a rainy Friday rush hour, rendering my Qi stuck in a traffic jam. Her plan, she explained, is to detoxify my body, starting this week with the front; next week the back, and then decide where to go from there based on my response.

I was instructed to partially disrobe and lay on the table, face up. When Dr. Li came in, I thought I would have some warning before being pricked, but she wasted no time. A moment later, I felt a quick stab in the bottom of my foot and before I even had time to digest the sensation, she was in full swing, she was rapid-fire explaining which organ was being affected by each needle she expertly drove into my acupuncture points. Though I had about 22 needles penetrating my skin, I was only conscious of four of them. Not surprisingly, two were in the bottoms of my feet (adrenal system), one in the top of my left ear and the other in my left wrist, below my thumb. I tend to have most of my physical ailments on the left side of my body, so when she hooked up the electric pulse machine, she set the left side higher than the right. In contrast with the myriad physical traumas I've experienced in my life, this was relatively painless.

She then left me for 45 minutes to absorb or whatever happens during this process. I hadn't done my not-quite-daily meditation yet, so this was prime time to practice. I lay there with my eyes closed listening to the pulsing of the electricity being directed through the needles in my abdomen and started taking deep breaths. During this time, some subtle but amazing things happened. I should preface this by saying that lately, during the every-other-daily meditation I've been practicing, I have yet to find a space where I can allow my mind to stop its constant racing and worrying and thinking. I suppose that's why it's called meditation practice. I resist the urge to just get up and do the stuff I can't stop thinking about. As I lay there on the table with 22 needles sticking out of me; hooked up to electric stimulation; it was easy to focus on my breath and just be. My mind became quiet and I was finally able to relax.

As I lay there, I had a very interesting physical sensation that gave me insight analogous to how I might manifest positive change in my life through my thoughts. My hands were facing up, thumb and forefinger touching, and after a while, I felt like my fingers were pulling back; my hands opening up with my fingers still bent. The closest thing I can compare this feeling to is this thing that my friends and I used to do as children. We would take turns standing in a doorway with our arms pressed against each side for about a minute. Then, we would release them and move away from the door frame and our arms would effortlessly float upwards. This is exactly what my fingers felt like they were doing. Each time I'd move my thumb and forefinger slightly to confirm this and was surprised to find that they were still touching. This cycle repeated several times until eventually the reverse was true. I was surprised to find that my fingers had moved away from my palms and the feeling became a reality. I felt as though I'd been given a gift laying beneath the fluorescent lights; a demonstration of the old 'fake it till you make it' philosophy. If I keep thinking/feeling/believing something, eventually it will manifest.

In my thinking, I've encountered some resistance in feeling and believing things for myself; one, because the things don't already exist and two, because I think I struggle with weather or not I believe I am capable or deserving of these things. I may not have completely mastered the ability of harnessing my thoughts, but I am doing the work and making progress. A large part of my long time fascination with psychology and more recently with nutrition has in large part to do with healing myself in mind, body, and spirit. I think it's an important foundation for my future in working with others, coaching them to do the same.

Indeed, not chopped liver..

2010-06-29T13:01:00.000-04:00

I had my endocrinology appointment yesterday and I'd say things went pretty well. I constantly forget how great my doctor is. She practices western medicine, but was raised in India and some of that culture seems to still be ingrained in her. Every time I expect to be met with resistance and pushed towards RAI or surgery. Instead, I am listened to, heard, and my decisions regarding my treatment respected. My doctor asks about other areas of my life like my work, boyfriends, stress levels, etc. She doesn't shrug off the benefits of the meditation practice, nutrition, and physical activity to my well-being and potential remission. I have to say I really appreciate my endocrinologist.

That being said, she talked to me about my liver enzyme levels and showed me that although a few of them were high, they weren't high enough to worry about just yet and wanted me do another set of labs, including a hepatitis screening profile (yikes!). I explained that I had cleaned up my diet the best I knew how and added a mild liver cleansing tea (Every Day Detox by Traditional Medicinals) and that I had a more potent liver cleanser on the way from a licensed herbalist. She told me it was probably best to hold off on the latter until I saw a liver specialist who could tell me exactly why my liver was functioning inadequately. However, she didn't recommend that I go see one unless my levels increased further.

She sent me off with instructions to take a lower dose of thyroid medication, which had been previously been increased due to poor communication between myself and the doctor filling in for my doctor, who had returned to India upon her father's passing.

I went to the lab for a stick in the other arm and few hours later, Heather the nurse called to tell me that my liver enzymes had improved. I heard the word normal in there, but I was a little excited so I can't remember if she said they were normal or almost normal. Either way, I was ecstatic. I sent out a text to my mom, brother and Irish lad - who must be psychic, because he called that very moment to see how my appointment went before realizing I'd sent out a text. I go back in six weeks for more labs on my thyroid, but not on my liver.

I plan to keep my diet as clean as possible so as not to put any undue strain on my liver. I also intend to pursue acupuncture for supplemental treatment for my Graves Disease in the hopes that I will achieve remission sooner and for a longer duration so that I can prevent the toxic affect of my medication on my liver. The hardest part about this disease is the perpetual cycle of stress and symptoms. I have no doubt that stress triggered this latest episode and the disease itself causes me a massive amount of stress, worrying about the myriad physical manifestations of it, the cosmetic effect of it while still trying to digest the transition into my third decade of life; trying to maintain a perspective of increasing fitness and health rather than accept a decline in either. This is where my meditation, exercise and acupuncture can help relieve my mind and body of these burdens so that my physical body can begin its return to the state of well-being it knows. Doctors orders: "don't worry", and I mean not to.

Graves concerns..

2010-06-27T15:16:00.001-04:00

I had intended for my next post to be all about my trip to New York City, where I met up with old friends and attended a live session for my Integrative Nutrition program. As life works, I ran into some snafus. First, I was making less money at the new job that I left my last job for, with the sole purpose of making enough money to pay my bills and to pay off some debt. Second, I hated that job. Both of these things contributed to more stress, so I put the word out to the peeps I've known over the years and got me a sparkling new bartending job, again. Unfortunately I had to burn a bridge to get from the last one to this one, but I had to choose my needs over those of the job that sucked.

So I finally feel like I've got this little corner of my life calmed down so my financial state of affairs can start to improve when all of the sudden, something in the other corner crashes. As it turns out, one of the side effects of Methimazole, the thyroid suppressing medication I'm on, is that it can be toxic to the liver. My thyroid levels are starting to come down closer to normal ranges due to the medication, which is good. The bad news, which I received yesterday, is that my liver enzymes are above normal indicating improper functioning of that other vital organ. The good news is that this will likely resolve itself if I get off of Methimazole. The bad news is, I can't go left untreated and the very pill that has previously enabled me to achieve remission rather than kill or remove an organ necessary for survival is poisoning my liver.

There is another medication PTU, but it is more likely to contribute to liver disease than the one I'm on now. Beyond that, the only other options offered to me are surgical removal or radioactive iodine, both of which will render me unable to ever produce the essential thyroid hormone ever again and I would have to supplement with synthetic hormone, about which I have grave concerns. Trying to replicate the function of a vital organ has its own set of problems. A pill is never the quick cure people tend to think it is. I'd rather work with my body than rely on conventional medicine for the rest of my life.

My mom has consulted with a licensed herbalist and as I type, some liver cleansing teas and tinctures are on their way to my doorstep. I had planned to consult an acupuncturist as soon as I could afford it, but that's taken longer than I had anticipated and ... please, please, oh please don't make me kill my thyroid!

This is a scary time for me. I don't have a large support network, though I have a pretty strong one, but it's not local. My mom and brother are always there for me and can help me with things I don't have the energy or resources for. My Irish friend has been a tremendous shoulder to lean on. He's going to be away for a marathon and then to Dublin for a couple of weeks in July and then I may feel a little stranded, as he's been really supportive and comforting to me since the moment I met him. My meditation practice adds a bit of peace to this whole mess, but it's been tearful here and there.

Even with some emotional support, I'm feeling pretty alone and afraid. This country doesn't practice medication before murder of the thyroid, so I don't feel as though I have an ally in the medical community that I've had to rely on. The one thing that I've found some resolve in is that now I know why the circles under my eyes are so bad, despite the kind words of my friends to the contrary, I see them. It's because my liver is being poisoned and it shows. As my brother said to me yesterday, people face adversity all of the time and come through it with flying colors. I intend to be one of those people. Being strong and brave does not mean to live in the absence of fear, but despite it.

I have an appointment with my endocrinologist tomorrow morning, they will test my liver again at that time and I can ask questions. The liver cleansing tea prepared by a licensed herbalist will arrive on Tuesday. Books by Andrea Beaman (also an IIN graduate), Joel Fuhrman (who spoke at my weekend of Integrative Nutrition in NYC), and Daniel Amen are on their way. I know the body has a tremendous ability to heal itself where pills meant to heal do damage elsewhere in the body. But I know this takes time and I hope it's not too late for me. I already eat pretty well, but I have a long history of processed foods in my past. As of yesterday, I'm doing all I can to keep from adding undue stress to my liver by eliminating alcohol, excess sugar and salt, all processed foods, caffeine, excess fat etc. and am eating as clean a diet as possible with simple whole grains, whole fruits and whole vegetables, most of which in the Cruciferae family - Kale being my latest addition. I'm not sure what a mere two days of this can do for the liver, but you can rest assured that it'll end up on this blog.

Here are some lovely pictures from my time in NYC. I'll write about what I learned from Deepak Chopra and Geneen Roth soon.

15K = $15

2010-06-03T12:39:00.000-04:00

Holy Canoli! I've reached 15,000 hits on this blog. To celebrate, I'm offering cutie pie gift soaps which have been featured in Get Married Magazine (page 33) for under $15. These iced berry cutie pies are a very unique gift for any occasion and are normally priced at $19.50.

somewhere.. anywhere is better than here.

2010-05-31T18:47:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I was listening to This American Life, on the topic of road trips; in honor of that great American tradition for Memorial Day. Ira Glass spoke of the cliche that we all buy into concerning the road trip, that it stands for hope. The hope that stares back at us from the horizon, the hope that "somewhere, anywhere is better than here. That somewhere on the road, I will turn into the person that I want to be. I'll turn into the person that I believe I could be, that I am... with high hopes and no expectations for the future."

The first story had to do with Pete the dishwasher, who I'd first heard of on NPR during one of my own road trips more than ten years ago. Pete the dishwasher traveled from city to city, working as a dishwasher for a few weeks before moving on to his next destination. There has been a part of me for some time now that has wanted to abandon everything and move on towards that hopeful horizon. In a way, I feel that I'm already doing that with Integrative Nutrition, but it's not the immediate, drastic change I've been craving for many months. Though I'm not married, nor do I have children, somehow life still seems to have gotten more complicated as I've gotten older.

A few months ago, I headed into my third flare up of Graves Disease. There have been a couple of days recently where I've had difficulty coping emotionally, which is also partly caused by the disease itself. I have felt so powerless over my own body and mind. It doesn't help that every moment of the day I'm reminded of my disease, whether it's a shaky hand pouring water, running out of breath during normal conversation, or feeling my heart pounding rapidly in my chest as I lay down to sleep. I just want it to go away. I believe that years of exposure to the ubiquitous endocrine disruptors has caused this, but I don't know how to solve it. I wish I could just pick up and leave this all behind; travel back in time; move to France; win the lottery and pursue all the alternative healing I care to... So far, I decided to just move to another state. Unfortunately, until pre-existing condition laws change, it would be a hefty financial maneuver to move before 2014.

My first choice to implement change in my life is to move to another part of the country, however, that is no longer an option for me at the moment. Now that I've recovered from the cancellation of my move to California, I've gone back to the drawing board. I really loved California and feel the lure of the west coast. On the other hand, my brother and sister-in-law live in Boulder and living there or in Denver would be a tremendous source of support. I don't know that I could live with snow again, though.

Throughout history, people have survived undesirable circumstance through the freedom they find within themselves. So what are some ways that I can feel free, like I'm moving on and moving forward without literally moving? F**k if I know!

...kidding. I have a few ideas.

meditation - even if I get to quiet my mind for only ten minutes a day, let go of all those worries and responsibilities for just ten minutes, I believe I'll feel less burdened and I know it can't do anything but help as far as my Graves Disease goes. Perhaps I'll realize how lucky I am that it's as mild and minimally symptomatic as it is compared to what it could be.
diet - I am not sure whether I've been trying to self-medicate or because my metabolism is out of whack right now, my appetite has been out of control. Chemically, my body wants to hoard energy in the form of calories since it's running on high. If I can be better prepared when I am all of the sudden ravenous just 3 or 4 hours after my last meal, then I can make better choices and keep my blood sugar and thus my mood more stable.
decoration - I need to pare down my belongings, get rid of old things, habits, thoughts, attachments that are weighing me down. Simplifying my surroundings might help to simplify my life in preparation to move it elsewhere. Also, perhaps it's time to redecorate. I recently changed jobs and am having lemon troubles, again, but as soon as I'm in the black, I'm headed out for some NO-VOC paint.

I'll let you know how it works out. In the meantime, what are some of the tools you use to feel free when you feel trapped in your own life? Gratitude? Prayer? Surrender? What are examples of ways you use them? How do you find your way there?

Please know that anyone can comment on this blog and I invite you to participate to make this a dialogue. I'm interested in others' experience and ideas.

This American Life episode: Road Trip

love and loss

2010-05-20T16:12:00.000-04:00

"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us." -Helen Keller

Today is the one year anniversary of Neko's death. He was the happiest, most well adjusted furry creature I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. He was my gentle giant. I was there the moment he came into this world and the moment he left. He remains in my heart forever, even as time slowly dulls the edges of my memory.

I don't mind, I don't mind

2010-05-18T01:03:00.004-04:00

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Think for a moment about a time when something in your life ended and it was not your choice; be it a relationship, your twenties, or a job. Your emotional reaction was probably anywhere from mild disappointment to complete devastation, possibly compounded by an unwillingness or inability to let go. Think about how you felt months or even years later once you'd moved on. Were you thankful that the door closed so that a new one, that would not have otherwise opened, could? I had a moment while listening to this song recently. I know it's cliche, but it's so true that nothing lasts forever; when one door closes, another one opens; there are no guarantees in life... but in an instant, I got it. I mean I really just got it, finally.

You came to take us,

All things go, All things go

The last several weeks have been helpful in so far as "time heals all wounds". More than that though, I've been spending time with someone. He has been a very positive and healing influence on me and he's someone who's seen real devastation and has made it to the other side of the mountain despite the dark valley from which he came. He's someone I would not have been spending this kind of time with if I were still involved with my recent disappointment. I'm enjoying every moment without thoughts of what will come of this. I wish I could explain how different things are from how they were. Sincere interaction and genuine connection are so nourishing, especially compared to the empty high I was on at the beginning of this year.

To recreate us,

All things grow, All things grow

When I'm really honest with myself, I admit that I knew that it wasn't right even though my ego reeeeeeally wanted it to be and took the lead. The truth is, I never felt good enough around him. I was constantly insecure physically, I had no career direction, and on top of everything, I'm pretty sure we wore the same shoe size. So, when he was showering me with compliments and making suggestions about all the things we'd do and the future of our relationship, it was a big, sugary, dopamine-laden ego trip. I didn't get my heart broken, I got my hopes and plans broken. It was right that it didn't work out... even if there is that little part of me that still wishes for a different story.

We had our mindset,

All things know, All things know

Now, since that moment, I often remember to enjoy it all. I enjoy every moment of interaction with my new more than friend; every person that bumps into my cart at the farmer's market; the contrast of every cloud against a sky dark from an approaching storm; and as the anniversary of Neko's death is just two days away, every moment cuddling with his mom/purr-monster Lilly.

You had to find it,

All things go, All things go

This will not last forever either, but I will love each moment I have, as I have it. I know that I must choose to let go emotionally when it is time because it is not up to me to hold onto anything or anyone whose time it is to go.

"Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn whatever state I am in, therin to be content."

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."

"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us."

"What I am looking for is not out there, it is in me."

- quotes by Helen Keller

dirty baker's dozen

2010-05-11T10:58:00.000-04:00

*sigh* Sometimes when we make progress, the standard is two steps forward, one step back. Well, the California government is about to take a giant leap back. They've just approved the use of methyl iodide in pesticides. This chemical is used to intentionally cause cancer in laboratory animals and is about to be exposed in large amounts to both workers in the field and those of us who eat food grown in California. Eighty percent of strawberries sold in the U.S. are grown in California and are a food that readily absorbs pesticides. If this gets approved, we can make the dirty dozen the dirty baker's dozen.

Please go to this site and sign the petition. This decision is open to public comment until June 14, so we still have a fighting chance. Please email the decision makers at mei_comments@cdpr.ca.gov and urge them not to let this chemical be added to the list of pesticides allowed to infest our food. Feel free to use this text offered from the original site.

It's as easy as copy and paste:

I am writing to comment on the proposed approval of methyl iodide for use in pesticide products in the state of California. Methyl iodide is a dangerous, highly carcinogenic chemical that has no business being involved in our food supply. The fumes can cause lung, liver, kidney and central nervous system damage as well as nausea, dizziness, coughing and vomiting. It is dangerous to the environment, to the workers who will have to apply it in the field, and to consumers who will ingest traces of it.

I refuse to buy produce grown with this dangerous chemical and I strongly urge you to deny approval for methyl iodide.

Thank you.

take the red pill

2010-05-03T02:16:00.000-04:00

less junk in the trunk

2010-04-30T14:24:00.001-04:00

The official start of my Integrative Nutrition program is just days away. Part of my warm up includes practicing taking people's health histories. Last night I practiced with Jen, a fellow IIN student in Atlanta. Right now, the purpose of this is is not to offer advice or recommendations, but rather to practice listening; to clear my head of all the events of the day and really hear what the other person is telling me; to ask questions with the intention of really getting to know the overall person better. Practicing this will help me to better serve my clients once I'm equipped with the knowledge to make recommendations to help them reach their health goals.

Talking about my own health history and patterns with food was an eye opening experience. It helped me to realize that I have had a relatively easy time incorporating whole and healthy foods into my life once they make sense to me. Over the years of my adult life, I've looked at certain foods as fun projects in an attempt to integrate them into my life and actually enjoy them. Once I got excited about the nutrients in a specific food and how they could help create balance and well being in my body, it was almost effortless to incorporate these foods into my diet. Some past examples include lentils, garbanzo beans, black beans, dark green leafy vegetables, bok choy, sweet potatoes, brown rice, millet, raw pumpkin seeds, almonds and even drinking more water.

I, like many people, struggle most with sugar. When I was a kid, my parents called me "Junkfood Junkie". My ambivalence about whether that was the result or cause of my ensuing sweet tooth aside, the fact remains that I still have it, but now have the tools to eliminate those cravings more often. My diet growing up was dichotomous to say the least. On one hand, I was fed a fair share of spaghetti dinners in front of the tv, waffles with peanut butter and syrup, gooey salads oozing with heavy mayonnaise based dressings over iceberg lettuce, chicken-a-la-king over white rice. However, the same people who prepared these meals for me also sent me off to school with a brown bag carrying a sandwich on pumpernickel bread and a piece of fruit.

When I was about ten, I remember that my mom announced that she would no longer be buying soda. She belonged to a CSA, took foraging classes, made sumac tea instead of kool-aid, sauteed lambs quarters from the garden, served salads with dandelion greens and twigs (I swear). She was not especially talented in the art of flavoring, but she gave me a foundation from which to draw upon and an awareness of organic foods, whole grains like millet, lentils, tofu, kale... Granted, she had a hard time getting me to eat more than one bite of some of those, but I realize now that she was extremely progressive in her awareness of whole foods. As a side note, we also had a cabinet full of tinctures that she'd made herself from herbs or roots.

Every summer she brought amazing foods into the house that I still enjoy seasonally to this day. Things like steamed artichokes with a lemon-butter dip, cucumber dill salad with yogurt instead of mayonnaise, gazpacho, watermelon and other seasonal fruits. I'd like to talk specifically about gazpacho. People seem pretty aware of the health benefits of lycopene, which is found in tomatoes. Partly this due to the marketing of products that usually also contain too much sodium as well as high fructose corn syrup**. Gazpacho is a great way to incorporate this fantastic synergy of nutrients from whole vegetables with incredible health benefits. The following is my favorite recipe so far for a quick and delicious warm weather meal.

In a food processor, combine the following:

3 organic tomatoes cut into chunks

1 clove organic garlic, peeled

1/2 organic sweet yellow onion

2 Tbs. organic extra virgin olive oil

1/2 organic cucumber, peeled

1 organic green pepper

pinch of sea salt

fresh ground pepper to taste

puree until contents flow like liquid but are still a bit chunky

slowly add 32 oz. of tomato or veggie juice of your choice (I use this because it's easily available at my farmer's market - if you can find any organic tomato or vegetable juice with lower sodium, that's preferable)

Chill and serve cold.

My own personal preference is to chop up organic cucumber and organic red, orange or yellow bell pepper and add to the soup with some whole grain croutons that you can make yourself from high fiber bread.

This meal is much more filling and satisfying than you may think if you've never tried it. You can even make it more filling by adding garbanzo beans either whole to the soup or in the food processing phase which adds more fiber per serving.

** I did a quick google search for lycopene and the fifth search result was Heinz. Apparently Heinz realizes it is in everyone's best interest to appeal to the growing "green" market. I think that's great. While it does matter to me whether large corporations make these changes for profit or from pure philanthropic intent, the former is better than nothing, but it seems to me that deeper change would result from the latter. I'm a little confused. On the HeinzSeed page, it says that their proprietary tomato seeds are grown "using traditional breeding techniques (no genetic modification)". However, on this site, it appears that Heinz is affiliated with Monsanto.

Because there is not any regulation where genetically modified food must be labeled as such, whenever possible, I buy organic produce, I never buy conventional produce on the dirty dozen list, and when buying packaged foods, whenever possible, I buy organic, non-GMO and always read the ingredients and nutrition information. For more about Monsanto, please watch The Future of Food for free on Hulu. It is an eye opening documentary. Also, check out this link for some information on why genetically modified foods may be dangerous.

It hasn't been forever, even if it feels like it.

2010-04-20T15:35:00.000-04:00

Today I made a batch of ginger lime and put in a $250 supply order for the other batches I've got planned before my nutrition courses officially start. Moving forward, moving forward...

Move over John Hughes of 1987.

2010-04-19T16:16:00.000-04:00

**Note: please scroll down and pause the music from a previous post if you need to before reading this. You will want to press play on the music in this post after reading. Sorry for the inconvenience ;) **

As much as I love Bon Iver, I had to replace its spot on the one album play list of my life with something more upbeat in an effort to help me continue to move towards the light. I've been doing well, with minor setbacks here and there. A nice Irish lad with whom I've been spending some time lately gave me a cd by a band called The Temper Trap. You may know them from their song on the 500 Days of Summer soundtrack, but another song 'Fader' has caught my attention. It's got a sound byte that reminds me of Little Red Corvette, but upon closer inspection, I've found that it is not the same as I had originally thought. It does have a 1987 flare to it.

Dig if you will the picture:

A crowd of hostile old people who just can't relate to today's youth sits in a high school auditorium awaiting the annual talent show. Meanwhile, backstage is a group of four guys who have formed a band, waiting to perform for their disapproving parents. One main guy in particular has had it rough. His dad thinks he's wasting his time, money and potential and they've fought viciously about it; his mother is worried about what will become of her son and they both sit in the audience scowling and anxious, respectively.

The curtain rises and the band starts playing with a tension visible in their eyes. As they play, the camera cuts to a row of feet in the audience and a few of them begin tapping. Slowly but surely, you see fingers tapping, heads bobbing to the beat... they're winning the audience over. The kid's parents are resistant. They see the audience enjoying their son's music but don't want to concede. Finally, at the reprise or coda or refrain, whatever it's called, the parents give in and admit through their expressions that their son's desire to entertain has been validated and they accept his choice and direction in life. The music keeps playing as you see the son and the parents embrace after a nervous look from the son and the screen freezes and credits roll.

I could totally have bee a teen dramedy director in the late '80s if I had been an adult with the right music in hand...

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

See Dick Run

2010-04-12T00:15:00.001-04:00

Just a short while ago, I got an email in response to one I'd sent to Dick a few days ago. In an instant I went from the positive, happier place I've recently rediscovered, to feeling sick to my stomach, angry, shaky, resentful; yet longing for more contact with him. If you have been following my blog for the last month or so, you're well aware that Dick has made me completely out of my mind crazy. I began to wonder why there are those certain people that have such a drastic effect on you when the rest of the time it's not so hard to just go with the flow.

In my warm up classes for Integrative Nutrition, I've been introduced to the concept of food as secondary nutrition, where our fundamental or primary nourishment comes from other areas of our life such as relationship (both romantic and not), physical activity, career and spirituality.

If I may make an analogy..

Consider a person who is overweight because they eat a surplus of calories each day but (s)he is still hungry despite eating so much. If this persons caloric intake consists of heavily processed (read: packaged) foods, it's pretty much guaranteed that they are not consuming the nutrients necessary from and available in whole foods that grow in their own 'packaging' and end up malnourished. The person's body would naturally crave nutrition which could register as hunger and cause them to eat more and more of the food they're used to; processed and nutrient lacking foods, perpetuating the cycle of hunger, malnourishment, and excess weight.

For a short time I was replete with infatuation. You've been there... food no longer becomes necessary when you're deep into a new person. When all of the sudden the "relationship" became hollow, I craved more and more of it in an effort to satiate myself, but it wasn't working. When he tossed me crumbs, I scarfed them down but was left ravenous. I craved him more and more the emptier our interaction became. That's what happened just now. I have been going about my life the last week finally feeling pretty happy most of the time and not thinking of him every moment of the day like I was or even every day for that matter... no more dreams of him either. I felt free. Then this email came through. It contained the phrase "No hard feelings" (yeah, no shit.. I'm the one who got hurt,) and all of the sudden I was transported back to that miserable place where I was craving more, knowing that no matter how much I obsess, it would never give me what I need.

I have no doubt that a couple days of 'out of sight, out of mind' and I'll forget even feeling this way tonight, but I found this insight helpful in avoiding judgment of myself for having those feelings. It's not even about him even if it feels like it is. I knew after my visits there that I would not have been happy and would have quickly moved on. I need the physical stuff to be fiery, magnetic, passionate, communicative, fun; I need to feel like the other person can't get enough of me. You'd think with two scorpios it would've been super hot, but I guess the spark just wasn't enough to light the fire for him. Whatev... I've finally remembered that I am still a hot bitch! (new & improved and now 18 pounds lighter. what? I didn't tell you about that? I will later, just remind me) Still, it would've been nice to be in sunny California and for it to have been my choice to leave when I was ready instead of being hurt and not understanding what happened. I've lived through worse and the hurt will fade with time. I already feel better at the end of this post. Thank you Jebus, my sense of humor survived. I don't think I could live without it.

“A man is but the product of his thoughts; what he thinks, he becomes.” - Ghandi

2010-04-06T13:12:00.000-04:00

After several weeks slumped in deep dejection, I am starting to feel and act like myself again. After sharing with some new people and gaining some new perspectives, I am starting to think that everyone has one person who shows up at such a time in their life and makes them absolutely crazy and act completely out of character. I'm glad that mine has come and gone relatively quickly and now I can get on with my life.

Last week I enrolled in the Institute for Integrative Nutrition and am halfway through my warm up classes to prepare for the official start on May 3. This first step has me feeling very excited and hopeful for the future of my work life. This program feels like it was developed specifically for me and I wish I could express how amazing it feels to have discovered a potential way to integrate my passion for whole and preventative health with a career. I know that this is an important landmark for me and am more passionate and enthusiastic about my future than I can ever remember being.

Not only can I feel this change in my attitude, but my behavior is indicative of a return to my higher self. I have been taking care of my body again. Granted, I was running while in my gloom, but it was purely to keep me from going over the proverbial edge. I have returned to preparing meals for myself, going to bed at a somewhat decent hour, washing my face before bed... I have begun to wake up renewed with gratitude instead of despair. I have been working hard to surround myself with reminders to focus on these things and the life I intend to create rather than the things that are an illusion of the past or "lacking" in the present and I believe this is a big part of the return to the joyful person I knew that I was. Thank you for not abandoning me in my time of crisis and negativity. I did not intend to spread my misery, but I feel as though I did to a degree.

I hope that many of you will follow me on my journey to becoming a Health Counselor. Right now, this blog has become more about me than it has about soap and I don't know whether I want to compartmentalize and start a new blog or keep it all one for now. I am contemplating starting a new blog on wordpress for my nutrition and health learnings and insights. I encourage you to please share your thoughts and opinions on what you would prefer as visitors to this blog.

Realignment

2010-03-22T12:14:00.001-04:00

I realize I've completely abandoned posting about soap during the roller coaster that has been my personal life over the course of the past few months. I originally started this blog as a way to integrate who I am with my soap and I'm sorry that my chaos has overrun the joint. I am getting really sick of feeling down, but just can't seem to snap myself out of it lately. As universal timing would have it, my mom sent me the Excuses Begone book & cd set from Dr. Wayne Dyer, which I started listening to yesterday. Several months ago, I was introduced to the doc with The Power of Intention and found it quite enlightening. I had taken to surrounding myself with reminders to think consciously, which somehow faded away and I fell back into old thinking patterns that landed me here. So... I'm taking Bon Iver out of heavy rotation and putting Wayne in. Who am I kidding, I'm listening to re:stacks right now... it's just so beautiful.

Even though I have been feeling sad and rejected as of late, I'm excited to have discovered something wonderful that I believe is my next step. Over the last year, I've contemplated going back to school. I mentioned that psychology has always interested me, but also, I considered becoming a registered dietitian, as nutrition as part of whole and preventative health is a big passion and fascination of mine. During my research of the real world application of this type of education, I realized that I wasn't particularly thrilled with the idea of creating nursing home menus and checking meat temperatures with little or no freedom to help individuals feel their best through diet and individual care. I am also interested in a progressive understanding of nutrition that advances with science and research. Then, I discovered the Institute for Integrative Nutrition and it was like the heavens opened up and a light shone down. This is exactly what I've been searching for. The next distance learning program starts at the beginning of May, so it is my intention to enroll within the next two weeks.

I do not foresee closing up Sudstress shop, but I will have to slow down while I'm studying. My love of soap remains, but it will have to be a part time love. I will update you on where Sudstress is heading, but for now it's definitely staying in the wedding niche. In fact, I need to go now so I can deliver 175 Sudstress favors for the BRIDES magazine event at the High Museum this Wednesday. I love making cutie pies.

I didn't see it coming, but oh I'm watching it go

2010-03-20T13:46:00.000-04:00

I'm climbing up the steep canyon road in Topanga to Dick's* house with a couple of friends when we look up and see a twister wavering atop the mountain, looking for a good place to land. Not sure what to do or where to go on the open mountain side, we just observe in awe. The tornado finally touches down right in the middle of the recreation center at the Top of Topanga community, which looks to me like a smaller version of the Getty Museum. Once it tears through the building and into the mountain, we see the onslaught of rocks and debris flying through the sky directly toward us. With no shelter to be had, we all duck and cover and let fate decide whether we live or die. I peek a couple of times and see some large, jagged boulders flying through the air and brace myself for the crushing blow. I get pelted a few times in the back by smaller rocks but not hard enough to break any bones.

Once the boulder shower stops, we all look around in amazement that none of us are seriously injured. I take out my phone and call Dick*, who does not know that I am in Topanga, but who lives just a mile or two away from where I am standing. When he answers the phone, he sounds seriously irritated and just starts talking before I can say a word.

"Listen, Kat, this is exasperating. I said I was willing to be your friend, but you're wearing me out. I can't have contact with you every day. I've always been into you, I've been into you since I first met you, but now you've ruined it and I just can't..."

As he speaks, I feel the knife twisting. I don't even hear the rest of what he is saying as reality sinks in. I have just survived something incredible and now I feel like I'm dying. Then I wake up.

In the past few posts, I've censored myself a bit for the sake of appearing more balanced than I was feeling and just out of a general feeling of confusion. I won't do that now. This dream is a culmination of my experiences for the last couple of months. Something about my interaction with Dick* brought out some really dark parts of me that are of no use but for destruction.

It happened about three years ago when I ran into Dick* at a summer festival in town. We had been acquaintances and when we bumped into each other, he told me about his recent break up and that's about all I remember. After that he started showing up in my life and somehow we just started hanging out. I saw the red flags back then when all he did was talk about his ex and the breakup. I was at his house several times watching movies, he came over to my place and sat all the way across the room, we watched the sunset and the fireworks from above at stone mountain and never once did he make a move on me, which I found frustrating, but understood.

I was a good listener and maybe a little too nice and compassionate for my own good. I liked being around him, so I ignored the red flags and began carrying a dim torch for him. Then one day I got the phone call. Dick* told me he was getting back together with his ex and that we couldn't spend time together anymore. While I understood and appreciated his forthrightness, I was still let down and kinda pissed. It was around that time that Easy Tiger had come out. Ryan Adams always has lyrics relative to my experience; "..so if I'm being honest with you and you think that I'm being cruel, at least you didn't get a rip off..." and that was true. At least he was straightforward with me, which allowed me to get over it pretty quickly and easily.

Then several months ago I got a random facebook message from Dick* out of the blue, just saying hi and sort of apologizing for flaking on me way back when and asking to be friends again. He had since moved to Los Angeles. I had completely forgotten being upset over him in the first place and was happy to hear from him. Then a couple of months ago, he happened to be visiting Atlanta and we spent a little time together that turned out to be quite intense. There was a lot of "I wonder what could've been if I'd made a different choice" and even an "I would fall in love with you". You tell me what girl doesn't want to hear someone say that? Then he flew back to LA.

For a solid month, we skyped every night for hours, the days were filled with hundreds of texts, most of them telling me how lovely I am, how I have his favorite face, how he thinks I'm the prettiest girl ever, how that night was the night he knew he could fall in love with me.. Again, I ask you, what girl doesn't want to hear that, particularly on the heels of a break up? Just before he flew me out to visit him, he suggested I come live with him in LA. I didn't really consider it until he brought it up again after my return. I had been ready to make a grand gesture of change for some time and this just seemed like the perfect thing. I swallowed the fairy tale hook, line and sinker.

The first visit was great in a lot of ways, but he seemed a little foggy and distant. When I asked him about it, he assured me that he was happy to have me out there and was just a little shy. It's easy to be forward with technology, but in person, it takes a little longer to feel comfortable. I bought it. Once I returned to Atlanta, he brought up me moving there again and somehow we started talking seriously about it. At that point, it seemed so certain that I told my landlord, my family and several of my friends. He had even announced 'our little plan' to his parents and close friends as well and I was excited for a big change in scenery to help pull me out of the rut I've been in.

When the difficulty with logistics started to surface, things got hard and I got in a panic about how I was going to support myself in a place with an even higher cost of living than I'm used to. I started to feel pressure to figure my life out before I could move, but felt I needed to move before I could figure out my life. At that point, he pulled back like the genitals of a polar bear club member taking the plunge in January. That's when all of my crazy got triggered. I felt him pulling back but tried to hang on to the fragments of affection that he had displayed in the beginning. I didn't want to believe what I instinctively knew to be true and that's what got me into trouble.

What pisses me off about the whole thing is that I could tell and I just wanted him to be straightforward with me, but he kept making excuses and I accepted them. I don't know what happened to the balls he had when he called to tell me about getting back with his ex, but apparently he decided he could just fade away and I wouldn't question it. Now he 'wants to be friends' and I am struggling with whether I can do that or not. I hate to delete him from my life, but I don't want it to keep me from being open to someone who is a better match for me. It pains my ego to know that he can go on about his life without a second thought of me and here I am filled with thoughts of him, even in my dreams.

This time I definitely feel like I got a rip off. Part of me feels like I sabotaged it because I knew it was too good to be true. Part of me thinks he found someone else to be excited about and I became beige slacks to her leopard print tights. Part of me thinks he idealized me and once I became real, he lost interest. Part of me thinks he felt too much pressure to be all of these things to me and shut down. Part of me has no fucking clue what went wrong but still aches to know why so I can learn from it and not let it happen again. Whether intentionally or not, he strung me along and I allowed myself to be. This time, it has been a lot harder to get over. Your guess is as good as mine at this point and with this post I intend to let it go.

The truth is, I was okay with the possibility that I would move out to California and eventually the relationship might not have worked out. I knew this was a catalyst for change and I was not banking on it lasting forever. It's clear to me now though that I did think it would last at least a little while and develop into something more substantial. All I got out of this was a short, extremely intense high and the ensuing huge let down, but nothing nourishing inbetween. I didn't get the intimacy that one usually gets in a relationship before having their heart and pride stomped on. It seems like it would be easier to reconcile if there had been an actual relationship, but to be so hurt and disappointed by someone who never truly knew you sucks, plain and simple. "I climbed so high the sky dropped down to teach me how to lay low and keep my ear to the ground."

* The name has been changed to protect the not so innocent and also for humor.

Tell me what to do, to take away the you.

2010-03-12T13:43:00.002-05:00

Forgive me for leaving the detail from this post. I feel like things are going to calm down since I've taken an important step in eliminating the source of the emotional chaos that has overwhelmed my life for the last few weeks. But for now, my heart hurts. I'm surprised at how emotionally invested I became in this person in such a short time and by how hurt I am that he can't reciprocate. We made big plans too early and the fall from such high hopes is a painful one.

For now, I plan to keep myself as busy as possible to get my mind off of him and the situation in general, as it's actually pretty effective. Running has also been a friend to me, but I can only run so far. What worked for me in my 20's to numb the pain doesn't suit my tastes or lifestyle any longer. The quickest way for me to get over someone was always to meet someone new. That's not so easy anymore, and I could use some advice. What do you do to mend a broken heart?

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

You know I'm obsessed with your hair. Describe your regimen so I can copy it.

2010-03-11T23:49:00.001-05:00

Wash and condition with bumble & bumble seaweed, comb, apply 'be curly', let air dry. What can I say, I'm low maintenance and I got lucky.. sorta.

Ask me anything

If I knew heartbreak was coming, I would've set out running.

2010-03-08T15:11:00.005-05:00

I'd like to start by expressing my absolute gratitude to those of you who reached out to me either through commenting on my last post; emailing, texting or calling me; asking friends about me and how I'm doing or sending positive thoughts or prayers my way. I can't tell you how connected and cared for that made me feel. I have spent the last few weeks in a pretty chaotic place in my head and I feel like I've finally found a small nugget of clarity and the peace that comes with it.

First: the job. The unknown is always intimidating, but once I actually got in there, it wasn't so scary. Not only is the environment extremely laid back and the staff friendly, but also, three days in I was approached about training for management shifts to fill in when the current managers are occupied with other events. I came from a place where competence and integrity were frequently overlooked and undervalued, "promotion" to management was the first step out the door with the highest turnover rate than any other position. I was pleasantly surprised when my experience, competence and integrity were so quickly recognized and it was the sign I needed in order to remember that sometimes opportunities pop up when and where you least expect them. The fact that I have a sustainable income now has eased some of the pressure that I was feeling to figure everything out now and the opportunity to get some experience that looks good on paper makes me feel like I'm actually moving forward at the same time.

Second: soap. I was sort of on hold with the heavy production of soap because I didn't feel focused. In a recent huddle with my branding manager and all around Sudstress advocate Erin and my new, awesome, printing account manager Kim, I regained some focus and instead of trying to be everything to everyone, I've decided to narrow my focus to a few key aspects. Wedding favors & gifts and Whole Foods (if they'll still have me). I will not be participating in festivals in 2010 (except for a couple possibilities at the holiday season) and I will not be taking on new wholesale accounts this year, though I will maintain those which already exist. I will also focus exclusively on soap rather than trying to expand my product line with items that do not excite me.

Third: home. I have always had difficulty creating and maintaining organization, in the home, in my head, in my papers... I have a lot of ideas and want to initiate several projects and have a tendency to get scattered both in my thoughts and in my home. I haven't moved in 4 years and as I'm sure you know, things accumulate. I have begun spring cleaning, but with a much more aggressive attitude about clearing out old items that no longer serve me. (thanks Hoarders) I am doing this not only for the obvious benefit, but also for the practice; focusing on small goals and putting one foot in front of the other to create a new way of living for myself. I was reminded recently by a friend that I explained riding up steep hills on my bike; I focus on the ground directly in front of me rather than looking to the top of the hill, otherwise I get overwhelmed and won't make it. When I stay focused on what's directly in front of me, keeping in mind that things will get easier eventually allows me not only to make it to the top, but the process doesn't seem as long or difficult. Applying this method to less tangible goals is where I could use the practice.

Fourth: issues of the heart. Part of where this hurricane of mental debris started was with a romantic interest. Recently, someone with whom I'd begun to get to know and spend time with a few years ago reintroduced himself into my life out of the blue. The twist is that last year he moved from Atlanta to Los Angeles, which makes it a challenge to get excited about. Being that I just ended a long distance relationship, the thought of developing feelings for someone all the way across the country again would just seem like torture, but somehow I feel compelled to keep talking to him and accepting invitations to visit. He excites me and that's difficult to ignore. The experience so far has triggered some old emotional patterns that have been cluttering up my life and I feel this is an opportunity to rid myself of them.

In an attempt at brevity, I'll say that in my formative years, there were several occasions in which I had the proverbial rug pulled out from under me when I was being kind, open, trusting and genuine. A few of these incidences were extremely devastating to me and somewhere along the line, I began to create and maintain a certain emotional distance from people. After life taught me that things can and do fall apart at a moment's notice when you least expect it, often times I think and behave from the end, where things have already fallen apart. Now that I'm an adult, I am taking responsibility for these feelings and am consciously working to change those patterns in an attempt to lead a more fulfilling life. There is a big learning curve, however, and that's where things can get a little messy and embarrassing.

Recently, as I started to get a little invested in this guy, fear overwhelmed me and I ended up trying to control something that simply cannot be controlled. I tried to regulate and seal everything into a neat little box in an effort to prevent any undesirables from seeping in. Inevitably, this is destructive behavior and when it didn't work, my inclination was to move to the other side and shut off, which is unfortunately all too easy and familiar. I know that this is not a fulfilling way to live, but the alternative is new and scary. I fell down and all I can do at this point is get up, dust myself off and try again; maybe with him, maybe not. I would like to strike a balance between allowing for the possibility of emotional intimacy without letting fear take over and going all Tommy Boy on his ass.

I got into trouble by focusing on the outcome rather than the process. I felt so scared and out of control and that led to some embarrassing, cliched behavior. I could see myself acting like a lunatic but was temporarily compelled by fear and I could not stop. To my surprise and delight, he still calls me, for now. While I would like for it to work out, I have to remember that I am a swell lady and I will be fine either way.

Thanks Neko Case for my post title.

searching for inspiration in quotation

2010-02-22T20:58:00.002-05:00

"Your work is to discover your work and then with all your heart to give yourself to it."
- Buddha

"If you have to support yourself, you had bloody well better find some way that is going to be interesting."
- Katherine Hepburn

This is the third post I've begun in the last three weeks; I hope to actually publish this one. I've been having difficulty quieting my mind of worry and stress over my future and thus haven't been able to organize my thoughts into a coherent piece of writing. Typically, writing helps me find clarity, but I suppose I've felt a bit more lost that usual. For the last nine months, I've been living off meager earnings supplemented by my savings account. In that time I worked on growing Sudstress and sent out numerous resumes, however I don't look so great on paper and need I mention the current job market? So far I have managed to exhaust half of what it took me ten years to save.

After recently having to get my clutch replaced; my brakes, rotors and wheel bearings fixed; running up a $1,700 bill for an MRI of my knee which was neither diagnosed nor treated, I finally decided it was time to stop hemorrhaging my savings and I get a restaurant job. While I'm excited at the prospect of a disposable income, which will be disposed directly into my saving's account, it's a bit of a blow to the ego and I feel like I've failed. This is not where I pictured myself at 33. In fact, I never had any picture of myself at 33 and therein lies the problem. I don't want to be 43 facing the same dilemma. I am aware of how fleeting time is and I'm feeling pressure to figure it all out and to figure it out now.

"You've got to jump off cliffs, all the time, and build your wings on the way down.
- Ray Bradbury

The last decade of having to work sometimes until 5 a.m.; a smoky environment; constant sober interaction with drunk people... it was starting to suck the life out of me, so I quit with no backup plan. I took the 'leap and the net will appear' approach, trusting that everything would work out as it should, opportunities would arise and I would make a successful escape from the bar business. Though it may feel like a step back, I acknowledge that it's not and that things could be much worse. I am thankful that at least I have the option of having gainful employment and that there are plenty of people who are out of work and struggling. The bottom line is that I want to do something more, I just don't know what that is.

The supreme accomplishment is to blur the line between work and play.
- Arnold Toynbee

Soapmaking has been a great passion of mine for the last five+ years and I have put so much of myself into Sudstress that I am in no way ready to say goodbye to it in this process of moving forward. While I've managed to double my sales from 2008 to 2009, I'm nowhere near the numbers that could sustain me financially and I have to formulate a more effective and immediate plan. For now, I will focus more on cultivating the customized wedding projects and less so on wholesale, as the latter requires tremendous inventory, time, space and volume with a much lower profit margin.

"He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying."
- Nietzsche

Since about the age of 25, I've spent a lot of energy trying to figure out how I could integrate earning a living with fulfilling work. In the last year, I've really been digging deep trying to solve this puzzle to no avail. Once I find a direction, I approximate at least three years before I'm able to enter into employment into whatever field after the necessary schooling or training. I've waited this long, I feel like I could live with three years. What causes me to lie awake at night is the fact that I've been at it for the last 8 years and feel no closer to figuring it out than I did when I began. Sometimes it feels like I'm floundering with no end in sight.

"But" is a fence over which few leap.
- German proverb

Lately I've been contemplating going back to school for a Master's Degree in Psychology. I remember when I was a kid expressing enthusiasm for the field and mentioned going to college for it when some irresponsible adult told me how cliche that was and how impossible it would be to find a job with a Bachelor's in Psychology. For some reason, fear took hold and instead of the notion that with further education, a career in psychology was not only possible, but quite likely, and I gave up on the idea. Ironically, I ended up with a B.A. in Film.

To play it safe is not to play.
- Robert Altman

I've realized lately that many of my choices have been made in the same manor. Instead of moving toward something that could make me happy or satisfied or accomplished, I move away from that fear of possible failure. That possibility lies everywhere and I have let that hold me back from creating the life I want. That is how I believe I ended up in a place that honestly could be worse, but is ultimately not truly satisfying. A few weeks ago, it was in this sort of vein that I made up my mind to move to California, get out of my rut and start myself on a new path ripe with hope and possibility. The problem is, there are no quick fixes in this life and the necessity at the source of my confusion is the very thing that is holding me back: money. So I feel that I'm back to square one in a town that while full of friends and familiarity, no longer suits me. I want to leap but am bound by the very circumstance that I intend to change.

I am adopting the following phrase as my words to live by in hopes of affecting the decisions I make as ones that will move me towards happiness, fulfillment and some sense of peace. I need big change and it is a challenge to find patience when it feels as though time is of the essence and my efforts have been thwarted by my own doing. Perhaps I should move to Nepal and meditate indefinitely..

"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Casteneda

freedom lies in courage, not anonymity

2010-02-05T14:52:00.007-05:00

Hello lovely people who are kind enough to come by and read what it is that I have to write. I am truly amazed that in just over two years, my sudstress blog has received nearly 13,000 visits. Maybe the same 13 people have returned 1,000 times each, but no matter how the numbers are arranged, I am humbled and thankful for your interest. Without an audience, this would be just a journal. Don't get me wrong, I think journals are one of the best tools for expelling worries, for processing confusing feelings, for finding clarity; and are a creative outlet for one's thoughts and emotions. The problem is, without an audience, I would not keep coming back to write consistently, which I feel is key to continual insight.

No matter the subject, I'm often forthcoming in my writing, other times I hold back or consciously write from a positive perspective in an attempt to burst through the negative one I'm experiencing at the time. In any event, this public format has been a great tool for me to get thoughts and feelings out of my head in a creative fashion; to consciously create positive thought patterns; and to process and respond to my emotions rather than simply reacting (not that I haven't done that once or twice..).

Sometimes I wish I'd started this blog anonymously because I feel like I would bare a bit more of my soul or reveal things I otherwise do not, for fear of appearing like some cliched, overemotional basket case. It's not that I have a lot to hide, in fact I think it's healthy to be selective about who you grant access to that sensitive information which can so easily be turned around and used as a weapon on the very underbelly from which it came. I feel that with anonymity would come a certain abandon, though I can't help but wonder whether I would still hold back, for fear of identification through recognizable details. The one thing about writing for an audience, anonymously or not, is that it gives me the desire to express myself more artfully and accurately than if I just sat down to journal.

What is all of this about? Well, I'd like to experiment with courage rather than anonymity. I'd like to take this opportunity to ask you, the people who inspire me to write to the better of my ability (to me, best implies no room for growth) for suggestions on what you'd like me to write about without holding back. Please note that anyone is free to comment on this blog. You don't have to have an account and although I appreciate knowing who the comments come from, you are free to comment anonymously. I understand the safety that lies therein. I hope to get a plethora of ideas and/or requests, but even if I get none, I will still choose a subject upon which to write bravely. It just might take me longer to come up with something. If I get several comments, I will choose at least one and give it a whirl.

Thank you for your interest and your help in my personal growth experiment.
:)

..and smiles at the moon like he knows her

2010-01-31T12:41:00.005-05:00

Regina Spektor has been likened to a Russian Tori Amos, I'm guessing because of her piano-based songwriting, her quirky vocal and lyrical stylings, and of course, they look a bit alike. I can see how people would make the comparison, but there are a couple of things that differentiate the two. First, Tori Amos is usually unintelligible and her lyrics are often difficult to interpret. I'm fairly sure Spektor's native language is Russian, but still she sings with far better enunciation enabling me to either relate to her lyrics or find myself engrossed in the stories they tell. Don't get me wrong, there was a year or two in college where Little Earthquakes was in heavy rotation and I was quite impressed upon seeing her live, even if I was somewhat fearful of her ~~zealots~~ fans.

I bought Begin To Hope a couple of years ago because I liked how strong Spektor's voice sounded during the bridge of Fidelity. I instantly liked a couple of the songs, but skipped most of the ones that were kind of weird and at first seemed auditorily invasive, if you will. As I grew bored with repeatedly listening to the same songs, I began to allow the album to play in its entirety and those peculiar songs grew on me.

I knew Spektor had a new album out, though I didn't put much effort into listening to it. Recently, on the longest flight ever, I decided to give Far a whirl all the way through, thanks to Delta's in flight, in headrest entertainment. Incidentally, I also enjoyed Noble Beast. I'm including eight songs of aural pleasure for you today, not all of which are on Far, nor are all written by Spektor, but all are beautifully performed. I have to respect the talent of someone who sounds as amazing live as she does recorded and produced. I included Laughing With twice because the lyrics put a lump in my throat, even when I'm not premenstrual. I had to go and ruin a beautiful thing with too much information, didn't I? ...but you read on anyway.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Laughing With (Far)
Blue Lips (Far)
Machine (Far)
Eet (Far)
Us (500 Days of Summer Soundtrack)
Hallelujah (covered again - Leonard Cohen, Jeff Buckley..)
Laughing With (again, Far)
Real Love (John Lennon cover)

it's becoming a theme

2010-01-29T13:41:00.006-05:00

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Last Friday night I fell into the first deep slumber that I've had in about a month, even if it was only for a few hours. That night I dreamed I was standing in a darkened room, observing an owl perched upon a window sill. I watched as it took flight across the room. As it took off, it separated into several smaller versions of itself and flew towards the open door. None of the small owls paid me any mind and I felt my presence was negligible. When I looked back to the window, there stood an eight inch tall owl staring back at me.

I hoped he'd notice me, I hoped he'd come to me. He lifted off only to immediately land on my left shoulder. I leaned my head to nuzzle his and he let me. I stood there with him on my shoulder, waiting for guidance, hesitant to move for fear that I might scare him away. I awoke while he was still on my shoulder and I trust that he's still there, imparting his insight, wisdom and virtue to me.

bringer of messages and portents of change

2010-01-22T15:05:00.005-05:00

The most prevalent form of religious/spiritual practice in my household growing up was that of Native American people. My mom used to smudge me before school; she was named by an elder on the reservation where she spent much time learning while volunteering her time and efforts; whenever I took a rock or a flower from the ground, I was encouraged to leave an offering of thanks in the form of a strand of hair or sometimes tobacco for something more substantial. When I was 16, we took a road trip and visited the Medicine Wheel and Wounded Knee. Though I shrugged off many of the practices as an adolescent, though the underlying principles were instilled in me. As I get older, I begin to understand the significance and necessity of ritual.

Last Friday I was driving on The By Way and for the second time in a week, a red tailed hawk flew low over my car, showing me it's spotted underbelly. This time it was carrying half of a squirrel and actually landed on the ground. I pulled my car over to take a picture, as never in my life have I seen a hawk standing on the ground. It just stood there observing, unfazed by the cars driving by. I walked across the street taking pictures as I got closer. I stopped at about 6 feet from the revered bird for fear that he may think I was trying to steal his food and decide to claw my eyes out. I feel I could've gotten closer, as he was unwavering in my presence.

I stood there awestruck for about two full minutes waiting for him to get spooked and fly away. He did not. It was only after I went back across the street and got into my car that he flew up into a tree, leaving the partial squirrel on the ground. In the tradition of Native American medicine, I believe that when an animal presents itself to me, there is a message in that and it is up to me to pay attention to it. Of course the first place I turned was the internet to learn more about what the medicine of a red tailed hawk represents.* There was quite a bit that resonated with the direction and lessons that I am working on in life right now, but none summed it up better than this:

"Many of the messages Hawk may bring are about freeing yourself of thoughts and beliefs that are limiting your ability to soar above your life and gain a greater perspective. If one remains earthbound, then the possibilities of life are limited! It is this ability to soar high above to catch a glimpse of the bigger picture that is one of the aspects of Hawk medicine that makes it so valuable: If one is undergoing a difficult passage to know that just over the next hill is freedom and liberation if one keeps going can be a Godsend in supporting the person to keep moving forward! Likewise, if the path is not appropriate, Hawk Medicine can alert one to this and point out a far more favorable path." -found here

That night I asked for a dream and I received one. In this dream I was lifted up off the ground by a helicopter. I was not in the helicopter, but dangling from it by the firm grip of my legs and holding myself up with one arm while in my other was a fire extinguisher. As the 'copter lifted me up, I was not filled with fear, but rather with a joyful exhilaration. If there was any fear, it was similar to that anxious excitement before riding a roller coaster or (I imagine) skydiving. As I rose from the bleak, industrial surroundings, I saw the slate blue ocean brilliantly reflecting the bright sun. I was so close to it, but too far to see it from the ground.

As we flew towards the ocean, I was asked to put out these fires which arose from two smokestacks. I was working on it when they announced that we were going to have to get closer to the fires in order to put them out, to which I replied "okay, but just don't catch my hair on fire". I got about 90% of the fire put out before my fire extinguisher was empty. As we hovered, some blind presence handed me a pint of heavy cream (I know, it's a dream) which I poured on the smoking embers to completely extinguish the flames.

There are so many ways to analyze this that make sense to me, which is odd because usually my dream analysis is pretty straight forward when my subconscious wants to announce something. Perhaps something great is just beyond my field of vision. When I am 'on the ground' focused on leftover squirrel instead of up above seeking something more fulfilling, I can't see the big picture. If I can expand my view to see beyond my perceived limitations, I will find that something beautiful is 'just over the next hill' and completely within my reach if I can envision it and keep moving towards it. Maybe it's time to put out the fires and move on...

* interesting tidbit: their tail only turns that rusty red well into maturity as though the animal must earn those feathers.

on with the awards and accolades!

2010-01-19T17:48:00.003-05:00

sweet! Check it out :)

Atlanta, GA – January 19, 2010 - WeddingWire, the nation’s leading wedding technology company, just announced Sudstress has been selected to receive the 2010 Bride’s Choice Awards™ for favors and gifts!

The annual Bride’s Choice Awards™ recognizes and celebrates excellence in quality and service within the wedding industry, as determined by recent reviews and extensive surveys from over 500,000 newlyweds.

Sudstress is among the top five percent of all vendors in the WeddingWire community, which includes over 100,000 wedding professionals across the US and Canada. Awards were given to winners across 19 different service categories, from wedding venues to wedding photographers.

“We are excited to recognize and honor the success of the top wedding professionals within the WeddingWire Community” said Timothy Chi, WeddingWire’s Chief Executive Officer. “The annual Bride’s Choice Awards™ program has given us the unique opportunity to highlight the best wedding professionals in each region as reviewed by brides and grooms who have utilized their services in the past year.”

We are happy to announce that Sudstress is among the very best favors and gifts within the WeddingWire Network, which includes WeddingWire and Martha Stewart Weddings. We would like to thank our past newlyweds for nominating us for the 2010 Bride’s Choice Awards™.

For more information, please visit our WeddingWire Storefront today.

About WeddingWire, Inc.

WeddingWire is the only online wedding planning resource designed to empower both engaged couples and wedding vendors. WeddingWire enables engaged couples to search, compare and book over 100,000 reviewed wedding vendors nationwide, from wedding photographers to wedding cakes. WeddingWire also offers an online community and a suite of cutting-edge planning tools, including wedding websites and wedding checklists, all at no charge. For wedding vendors, WeddingWire provides free online management tools creating the only market opportunity that gives businesses control over their clients, reviews, leads and performance. In addition, WeddingWire has partnered with Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, Inc. (NYSE: MSO) to provide its network of local vendors and online wedding-planning tools in the Weddings section of www.MarthaStewartWeddings.com. For additional information, please visit www.WeddingWire.com.

you'll never look at a keytar the same way again

2010-01-17T10:16:00.004-05:00

I've been listening to the "first" Mute Math album a lot lately. I say "first" because I'm fairly sure they released an EP before this that was out of print by the time this full length, self titled gem. I saw them two years ago on the eve of my 31st birthday. They were awesome. I was never too impressed with their follow up, but the first one always brings me to my happy place. The album is seamless from start to finish highlighted by Typical, Chaos, Stare at the Sun, Break the Same... You might want to click on the video and watch it on youtube so you can see the full screen. Remember animal?

Is it just me or does the singer look like an indie version of Nick Lachey?

VD - the good kind!

2010-01-12T14:13:00.005-05:00

Ahh, Valentine's Day.. the day that suggests everyone be partnered; a day where all too high expectations are set and unfulfilled expectations occur if all is not just as imagined. Valentine's Day should be a day to be filled with love and laughter and appreciation for any and all loved ones, not just a romantic partner. I do love all those bitter themed parties and stinky garlic dinners prepared every February 14th, though.

Despite that awkward intro, the truth is, Valentine's Day is just like every other day in life. When approached without expectation, but rather with appreciation, it will always be wonderful regardless of your relationship status. Maybe I'm being idealistic, but the more days I put under my belt, the more I realize that life unfolds as it's meant to in its own time. The fewer expectations we have and the less attached we are to the outcome of our journey, the more fulfilling each day will be. Look around and appreciate the people who bring joy into your life. This is the perspective I am trying to adopt daily.

Even though I've been going through a really difficult and often scary transition in my work life, I am so lucky that I have family that supports my choices and will do anything in their power to help me. I love my friends, many of whom I don't have the chance to spend much time with as our lives have evolved and all but eliminated our proximity to each other. These are people I can call and talk as though no time has passed.

When fear and doubt creep in regarding all the unknowns in my life, I think of all the amazing opportunities, people and events that have been dropped into my lap at just the right time or as "dumb luck" after a lot of hard work. These are things we can not plan for or schedule, but must learn to surrender to the energy of the universe (God, Source, Creator... you get the idea) and trust that it will provide. The last several months have been a real test of faith for me and I suppose this post is my way of reaffirming my belief and trust. I've been pretty shaky lately.

So this post really evolved from where I thought I was going to where it went. My intention was to unveil a new item available for Valentine's Day, which will also be added to my wedding line. I went the traditional route with the couple's name. These hearts can be custom stamped with any short phrase you'd like. May I suggest the following?

Romantic interest:
I like you
I love you
Do Me
Take off your pants
I heart you
Let's do it
You complete me (if the recipient has a good sense of humor or likes campy movies)
any number of dirty phrases that might be in poor taste to post publicly

Friends & Relatives
Thank you
BFFs 4-ever (again, if the recipient has a good sense of humor or you are both 12 year old girls from 2005)
Best Friends
Mom
Mom & Dad (nice little anniversary gift too)

So they don't get the wrong idea
Friend Zone
Buddies
Love you like a brother
You remind me of my dad
You have a great personality
Hey Pal!
Let's watch the game
Sorry, I'm just not attracted to you

Okay, so I am kidding about some of those, but if they fit on the heart, I'm not gonna deny you...

Enough with the talk, more with the show:

Each custom stamped heart is in the Midnight Mint scent (kinda like sweet mint chocolate minus the chocolate), weighs approximately 3 ounces and comes nestled in recycled tissue in a lovely matching gift box seen above for $11.95 and you can click here to order.

I like turtles.

2010-01-09T09:47:00.004-05:00

This video was sent to me by a friend and I've since become obsessed with it. First of all, I love Tool. I find their musicianship to be astounding, but more importantly, I just like the way it sounds. I get lost in it. I get halfway through an album like Lateralus or 10,000 Days and I don't know how I got there.* Second, this is an amazing arrangement. I love the koto.

I don't know why it caught me off guard that a number of people were surprised by my affinity for their music. I realized a long time ago that people are always taken aback when they start to get to know who I really am. In fact, many of my closest friends over the years didn't really like me upon first meeting.

For a long time I thought it was just the nature of the industry in which I worked, but really it's an overall theme in my life. I may be no more complex than any other person, but there is always so much going on under the surface that most people, I find, cannot really read me. Ironically, I am very open and forthcoming about all aspects of myself when I feel a connection with a person. My social personality, though, is just the tip of the iceberg.

That being said, I called off Peter's move to Atlanta. Not only that, but I called off the relationship. This took him by surprise, which of course took me by surprise. I'd been struggling with it back in August when we broke up the first time, but if neither party is adamant about it, what's there to really finalize it? The issues I struggled with back then just became much more clear to me in the face of his arrival and I was forced to reconcile myself to the truth in my heart.

My only regret is that it took me until the last minute to become conscious of it. Once I stopped fighting what I already knew deep down, I was relieved. I was relieved of the burden of trying to force a square peg into a round hole. I like squares, I get along with squares, I enjoy time with squares; but ultimately, a square does not truly fit into a circle and no matter how one might try to trim off the corners, in the end, there is still a void in the connection. He deserves to be with someone who better appreciates who he is and I deserve to be with someone who truly gets me on a fundamental level. Anything less is a disservice to love.

The concept of still actually liking a person and seeing their value instead of needing to run the relationship into the ground before accepting that they are not the right match and subsequently ending the relationship is new to me. Peter is a great person, but ultimately not the right match.

I thought after breaking up that regret might start to seep in and I'd have to remind myself of why it's right that we're not together. There are definitely qualities about him that I will miss, but I do not regret my decision. I am completely at peace with it. I feel like my future is wide open and I have a strong urge for drastic change. Something big is in the air, I can feel it.

* don't fret, Aenima, Undertow and Opiate have had their fair share of play time, but I find these two albums to be particularly hypnotizing.

Do you have the slightest idea (No, I don't)

2009-12-29T22:00:00.004-05:00

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

My boots are getting heavy. As the hour of Peter's arrival draws near, I find myself panicked and confused. For lack of a better expression, wtf? He is set to leave in six days on a cross-country adventure with a final destination of my apartment. I never understood why people made rash decisions in the 11th hour of major events. I do now. I'm scared and that doesn't aid in clear headed & clear hearted conclusions. I am human and I too suffer from the human dilemma in that I have paradoxical feelings about all major events and areas of my life, including this one.

Sometimes I wish I'd created this blog anonymously so that I could talk through my anxieties with brutal honesty with no worries of exposing the personal details of other people's lives in a public setting. As it stands now, I edit, omit and sometimes spin to see the positive in things even if only for presentation. That is not to say I am reticent or disingenuous in my writing, but it usually results in large gaps between posts.

I also have a ~~monkey on my back~~ tendency to get wrapped up in the big snowballs that are my possible futures, each built with the sharp rocks of what-ifs and packed hard for devastation upon impact. I know there is really no "right" or "wrong" choice, but I fear making the wrong one none the less. This is the source of much of my dilemma. I get wrapped up in the deadly snowball and I have to find a way to locate the snowflake that is knowing what is right for me. I plan to spend time in meditation for the next day or two and hope to find some clarity underneath the shadow of much mental chatter, fear and doubt.

last two shows of the season this weekend

2009-12-11T13:01:00.004-05:00

Happy Holidays

Enjoy the Season

I have been thoroughly enjoying the twinkling lights scattered among the houses from one neighborhood to the next. From Avondale Estates to Cabbagetown to Virginia Highland; from simple, elegant, single color light displays to gaudy, over the top decorations a-la Clark Griswold, I love them all. I wish there were more opportunities throughout the year to decorate with light.

Coming up this weekend are your last two opportunities to check out Sudstress products in person. This Saturday I am excited to take part in Pink Saturday inside the cute Cabbagetown cottage of miss Talulah B. for Talulah's Annual Holiday Shopping Extravaganza. The first 30 attendees will receive a free gift bag which will each include a sudstress cutie pie slice among other goodies from all the vendors.

Please join us on Saturday, December 12, 2009 from 11 am to 4 pm at the Cabbagetown studio for some serious holiday shopping (for others or for yourself). Festive snacks and beverages will be served and swag bags will be given to the first 30 guests to arrive.

Talulah's Cabbagetown Studio
667 Gaskill Street SE Atlanta, GA 30316

Akola Bead Project
Concrete Lace
Emily G's - Jams of Love
Fiona Lottamore
Madame Mandala
Sudstress
Sweet Talkin' Lola ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Then on Sunday December 13, 2009 you can find me at the 17th Annual Avondale Holiday Market from noon - 6 pm. Several vendors will be set up in the clubhouse by the lake in the Avondale Estates neighborhood.

59 Lakeshore Drive
Avondale Estates, GA 30002

I hope to see you there!

I wish you a warm holiday season and time spent with loved ones. Happy Holidays from Sudstress!

You can sign up for the sudstress newsletter to receive special subscriber only secret sales that you won't find on my blog or website. There may even be one coming up soon...

Click here to subscribe.

gaH! ...tired

2009-12-05T20:14:00.003-05:00

Delirious. I've been up for 15 hours already and it's just after 8 pm. I had a holiday show today and there is always an accompanying lack of sleep. I have one more weekend of shows before the big 2-5. You can swing by on Saturday or Sunday to whichever one floats your boat.

Also, I have resolved to be consistent in my newsletters now that I've joined Mail Chimp to make it easier to keep peeps up to date on new product news and offer subscriber only discounts, sales and special deals.

moving forward

2009-11-14T12:08:00.006-05:00

I've had enough adrenaline and cortisol production for one week, so I'd like to move on and change the subject. Not sure if any of you have followed the story of me and Peter, but if you have, the last you heard, we had broken up. The thing is, we still were talking every day and not really doing any of the things you do in a break up to move past the person you've broken up with. It didn't feel like the solution we were looking for and neither of us were satisfied leaving it at that. It took me some time, but it actually was the step back I needed to take in order to move forward. That initial hormone laden, idealistic fairy tale, sparkles and fireworks period had worn off and I was left with the same great person, but in human form. This was a barrier I'd not yet been able to break through.

At the same time I was feeling this, he was about to move in with me from across the country and so I freaked. I think anyone with a history of retreating in the face of sustained intimacy would've had the same reaction. However, as we continued to talk and I continued to work on my fears and challenge myself, I turned a corner from the perspective of fear and flight to one of looking forward to an exciting challenge that brings with it amazing rewards that I have yet to experience in this lifetime and would certainly regret missing out on.

So, we decided to take another camping trip and see where that would lead us. Western North Carolina is beginning to become a tradition for us and it's one of my favorite places. Unfortunately we couldn't hike much because my knee was still swollen. Hence, the knee brace and mini-trampoline.

Aside from one major point of contention regarding bear safety during a period of 24 hours of rain, it was a great trip. Not only that, but the time we spent at home living daily life was completely different than last time when I was having my freak out. I didn't feel crowded or that my personal space was being invaded, but rather, I felt content and excited to come home to him after my daily errands. Coming home with him here was like a exhaling after a deep, satisfying breath of clean air.

After all of those days and nights struggling with whether I was ready for this kind of relationship, waffling between moving forward and moving on, wishing the decision could just be taken out of my hands, only after I'd found resolution, it was. Ironically, after I felt that indeed I was ready, still a bit scared, but able and willing to take on this new and exciting challenge, the fairy tale wore off for Peter and he was left with the same great person adorned in all of her humanity.

The dilemma was that Peter has dreamed of working in major motion pictures since he was a kid. He even went to school for it and worked in several aspects of production. For his whole life, the story in his head began in Los Angeles. All of the sudden, he was faced with the same feeling that I had not too long ago, that time was running out for him to get a start and if he made the "wrong" choice, that he'd always be looking over his shoulder wondering how things might have been. He was torn between me and L.A. with the idea that his career and a relationship with me were mutually exclusive.

I spent about a year (one week in real time) giving him space to figure out what the right decision was for him. I was in limbo. I let him know that I wanted to move forward with our relationship, but that I wanted even more for him to make a decision that he felt good about. It was important to me that he could feel as though he would be moving forward rather than like he was sacrificing something so important. If his decision meant that we really break up for good, I told him I'd be sad but I was sure that we would both be okay no matter what. The difficult part for me was that I couldn't start the difficult process of mourning the relationship, nor could I fantasize about our future together because both were a possibility and all I could do was wait. How long I could stay sane doing this was to be determined. Fortunately for me, after about a week and some conversations between him and his friends in L.A. who are in the business, he decided to commit to Atlanta for a year and re-evaluate then. Neither he nor I see ourselves in Atlanta permanently, but with my soap business growing locally, I feel I need to stay here for a while and cultivate it before transplanting it someplace else.

His thought was to be here permanently in time for Christmas, however my mom will be visiting for a couple of weeks and that would definitely be a full house. I haven't seen my mom in about three years, an amount of time that I feel is shameful and I'm thoroughly looking forward to spending time with her. So, it may be that Peter moves here after the first of the year. I am by no means suggesting that my mom's visit will foil my plans, please don't read it that way. My whole relationship with Peter has been a constant lesson in patience. You could say I have my yellow belt in patience. Besides the fact that time is flying by as my soap flies out the door during the holiday season, I enjoy the anticipation of exciting events and it's really not that far away. I'm looking forward to ringing in the new year with my mom and my man.

Fraud Alert

2009-11-12T13:48:00.003-05:00

This woman and I entered into a wholesale NOT private label agreement wherein she would sell Sudstress soaps that I have spent the last 5 years developing, photographing, branding and trademarking. As it turns out, she has been selling them under fraudulent pretenses and claiming that she spent the years, sweat, blood and tears that I have creating a product and brand. She is NOT a member of the handcrafted soapmaker's guild, though I am, and has fraudulently used their logo on her blog. I guess it's another earmark of success, but it's infuriating none the less. Here is the blog in which she has stolen all of my pictures, sans packaging, my website and etsy content word for word:

http://www.thewrightsoap.blogspot.com/

She's since taken it down per my request but stated in her last email that I've ruined her good name and that she is going to keep the site for her new soap shop. Her initial emails inquired if the soaps would be greasy because of all the oils used, which indicates that she knows nothing of the basic chemistry behind soapmaking. Based on her latest email, she recommends that I copyright my photos and protect my soap (and perhaps I should) like she "did as soon as (she) came up with a recipe as good as (mine)" ...apparently now she makes soap? Here are the screen shots of her blog, from which she still intends to sell soap. Whose it is and whether she will claim to have made it remains to be seen.

The difference between a private label agreement and falsely claiming to be the manufacturer doesn't seem to exist in this woman's mind. She seems to think that because Sudstress is trademarked, that's where the problem lies. That would be the case if she made soap herself and tried to sell it under the Sudstress name. She had permission to sell my soap until I found out that she was claiming to have made it herself.

I split my pants and other tales from Cabbagetown.

2009-11-08T11:27:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was the annual Chomp & Stomp festival in Cabbagetown. Though I was not a first time attendee, I was a first time vendor. I have to say, this day had a few glitches in the beginning, but it was a fantastic day overall. I had to get up at 4:30 a.m. but managed to get a good 5 hours of sleep and even left the house on time! It's hard for me not to run late early in the morning. I made my way to my friend Erin's place since she was kind enough to follow me with the hand truck that she got me for my birthday (woo!) since I can't fit it in my car with my EZ Up and all of my product. She may have been regretting that around 6:30 Saturday morning...

I get to Cabbagetown Park and as I'm unloading my car, my jeans decided they'd been pushed around by my hindquarters one too many times and just couldn't hold it together any longer. So, they decided to part ways; each side of my pants that is, and I was left with a big, long rip in my jeans nearly the length of my whole butt cheek. The second the cold morning air rushed on in and my right cheek felt a slight chill, so did my spirit. You may not have been able to tell by looking at me, but I did not remain calm.

Erin & I moved our cars out of the load in area and onto a side street where I shared this lovely news with her and proceeded to get more and more stressed out thinking about the next 12 hours with a tear in my ass that had great potential of migrating down the back of my leg, leaving me with half ass-less chaps. She offered to go to my place, grab another pair of jeans and bring them back to me, which filled me with relief. While waiting for my whole pants, I leaned over and to my chagrin, the red bull I had in my front shirt pocket fell out, landed on and broke the top tier of my favorite display piece. Oh well. I felt much better once I changed into my in tact pants in the back of Erin's car before I released her back to the slumber she missed out on while helping me.

Feeling whole again, I continued to set up with the company of some nice neighbors including the lovely Sam of talulah B whose color scheme was nearly the same as mine and a very complimentary neighbor. We bartered; soap for a cool cameo cocktail ring! The weather was perfect, several of my friends visited and at times I had a line of people waiting to make their purchase as I swiped the ol' knuckle buster over people's credit cards.

Three apples and a red bull later, the sun was setting and my inventory was dwindling. While packing up in the dark, I took the opportunity to run across the park to introduce myself to my favorite local author, Hollis Gillespie, who had been swamped (as was I) with people in her booth all day. I'm sure I came off as a fast talking, hyperactive crazy person, but it was fun to meet her just the same. I had actually meant to make her a cutie pie slice stamped with "Bleachy Haired Honky Bitch" after one of her books which I love, but of course forgot to do the night before. Oh well. After a not-so-smooth-but-could've-been-a-lot-worse load out, I was home by 8 and in bed at 10:30 after an hour long nap on the couch. This morning, I am happy to report that all of my credit card entries were accepted and approved!

I have had a pretty rough few days, so I'm very thankful to have had a day filled with productivity, sales and distraction. I will probably share the emotional distress I've been filled with the last few days in a separate post. For now, I'd like to revel in the wonderful success of a mostly beautiful day and not think about the rest.

Three of three which is still four with fingers crossed for five

2009-10-23T10:59:00.004-04:00

Okay, you've waited long enough. I haven't been trying to build the anticipation by delaying the post of this, uh.. post. It's just that this third one is big. It's the biggest opportunity for me so far and because no actual soap or money has exchanged yet, I have been hesitant to make an official announcement. I'll admit that I've probably told at least ten people in the last week or so. I just can't completely hold it in.

To recap, I first posted about an opportunity that came through is a spot in Etsy's City Guide. This feature is not currently live, but when it is, I will be one of many artists included in the Atlanta section. I'm excited to see how it turns out!

The second fantastic piece of news I shared with you was when I found out that I was going to be featured in Daily Candy's fall wedding guide for Atlanta, which came out October 13th.

This is how the third one played out...

Almost two months ago I received an email from the buyer at the Harry's Farmers Market, all of whose stores were bought out by Whole Foods Markets in 2001, inquiring about my soap. She actually discovered me on etsy. (Shout out to Etsy, yo!) We emailed back and forth multiple times and eventually she sent me this 11 page vendor application packet. It took me a second to get over my intimidation. I filled it out, sent it in about a month ago and then about a week and a half ago I started to get emails showing that a vendor account had been set up for me, but without explicitly being told "you are now a WFM vendor". I admit, I got a little choked up, but still wasn't sure if I'd actually been accepted or not and had to have it spelled out for me before I understood that my soap had been accepted!

I am at the very beginning of this process and not sure what kind of timeline or volume to expect, but I. am. excited!! There will certainly be a learning curve when dealing with an organization of this size, as I am used to single or partner owned boutiques, but I am ready for the challenge and secure in my abilities. I still have that old childhood voice in my head that didn't want to announce this amazing news for fear that I may "jinx it". Then the rational sudstress Kat steps in and asks "why would an organization of this size waste their time setting up an account for a vendor with whom they do not plan to do business?" and I get all excited again. It still has yet to completely sink in.

You may remember back in August when I posted about the Etsy & Martha Stewart Weddings DIY contest that I entered. They were supposed to announce the winners on October 15th, but have yet to do so due to technical difficulties. I've got my fingers crossed to make it in their favorite etsians.

two of three, which is now four (sweet!)

2009-10-06T12:31:00.005-04:00

A little over a month ago, I wrote this blog post talking about some exciting possibilities that have come my way recently. Well, since then, a fourth press opportunity has popped up, but I'm not going to blab that one either! However, I am now ready to tell you about number two! (hee hee, number two...) *ahem* sorry.

I was approached a while back by the Atlanta editor of Daily Candy about my soap cakes. She originally asked me about the large soap cakes and floating cupcakes which are cool and beautiful, but out of production with good reason. So, I told her about my cutie pies which are an evolution of the soap cake, but with a more specific purpose; wedding favors. Of course I've sold them since as...

baby shower favors

bridal shower hostess gifts

li'l gift sets

After a couple of weeks without a yes showing up in my inbox, I thought maybe they had decided not to use me (yet, hopefully). But today I received word that they'd like to use my cutie pie favors in their wedding guide. Woo! I'm not exactly sure when it comes out, but past 'issues' have come out in the end of October.

because it's not safe to write while driving

2009-09-23T11:21:00.003-04:00

I always have these random thoughts that I'd like to explore that may or may not make for some good bloggin'. I've even started carrying around a small notebook to record those ideas so they don't disappear into the black hole that all those dreams which never get written down go. Alas, typically these ideas come while I'm driving. By the time I reach my destination... *poof* it's gone. I do remember one general idea I had though; gratitude posts.

I've been trying immersion learning. Basically, I've been trying to constantly surround myself with environments, information and people in an effort to completely overhaul my way of thinking. It's starting to gain momentum. I am easily thrown off track when things temporarily beyond my control prohibit me from getting the sleep, food or other fundamental things I need. I have found, though, that I rebound relatively quickly and that's a sign of growth. I've incorporated yoga 4-5 times per week as well as body pump 2-3 times per week. I take walks. I have introduced myself to books, cd's and dvd's that contain information that is anywhere from common sense reminders to concepts completely new to me. I find it's been and continues to be tremendously helpful.

The yoga is the greatest addition. By attending classes, it's been a way for me to block out those destructive thoughts I've had about my body since about the age of 12 and be still, practice discipline, forgiveness, non-judgement and focus on my breath and my position from my mind's eye rather than a mirror. Approaching yoga as a source of healing of body, mind, spirit is a place I've wanted to get to for a long time and am happy to finally have found an open door to that place. Off the mat, it's been tremendously helpful as well. When I'm in an uncomfortable position - like a long line, traffic, stifling humidity - I can breathe through that anger or frustration and create a better world for myself in a situation that I can't control until I can get to a better place. I've definitely not mastered this, but any relief in those situations makes a world of difference. I'm learning to create my own happiness no matter where I am.

Forgive me for this rambling post. I meant to just pop in and say "sorry for not posting, been busy, here's a picture of my cat," but I kept going. I also don't plan to re-read and edit for better composition because I don't have the time. So, I'll leave you with the intention I had for this post:

Gratitude is the open door to abundance.

Yes, I got this off of a yogi tea tag. However, it's a concept that has helped me take my focus off what is wrong or missing in my life and realize just how much there is to be thankful for. Once you start noticing, it seems like more and more amazing, beautiful things appear. This one small phrase has such a broad interpretation. I encourage you to think beyond the literal, beyond abundance meaning wealth in the form of money. I had an a-ha moment because of this phrase and I hope you will too.

Now, a picture of my cat, whose love and health I am grateful for, which I have not had the chance to edit; much like this post.

new retail location

2009-09-14T13:11:00.003-04:00

Hey my Atlanta peeps! Thanks to Jordan Chadwell, co-owner of Meringue, a beautiful fashion boutique in the Morningside neighborhood of Atlanta, for choosing to carry sudstress soaps. You can find Meringue at 1393 N. Highland Avenue across from Alon's Bakery. So far Jordan reports that people love my soap (aww, shucks) and has already sold a number of bars. If you happen to be in the neighborhood, or even if you don't, please support two independent businesses and pop in for some shopping.

Currently you can find the following scents:

black raspberry

sunshine

silk & shea

mint meditation

sale. help me make room for new soaps, please.

2009-09-06T15:30:00.005-04:00

I'm having an inventory sale on a few scents to make room for new and seasonal scents. I can't guarantee how long this sale will last, just until they run out. There aren't very many left of each, so the sooner the better. Here's what's on sale....

mocha café

white gardenia

naked

Happy discount shopping!

one of three

2009-09-01T17:25:00.003-04:00

You know how sometimes when one area of your life is going kinda crappy, the universe has a certain way of lifting your spirits by introducing exciting possibilities in other areas? Well, in the last couple of weeks, surrounding my break-up with Peter, three big possible opportunities for either wholesale or press have popped up. I will not reveal all three to you, but rather make you wait and wonder and work yourself into a tizzy with anticipation. *insert evil cackle here* I have learned over the last few years to allow myself to get excited about possible opportunities without blowing my load right off the bat, only to be crushed if and when it falls through or falls flat. With that said, nothing as big as these three has come my way before now, so I'm taking deep breaths, working hard and keeping everything crossed.

I just got home from Java Monkey where I met up with Jen Ray who has been working with Etsy this summer. She came to Atlanta to interview artists who will be featured in the upcoming Etsy City Guide, of which I am one! (I'd provide a link, but it doesn't exist yet) We had more of a conversation rather than the standard interview. We talked about soap, of course, but I rambled as I tend to when I'm nervous and we ended up talking about factory farming, bacon and people that we discovered we both knew from working in bars around Atlanta. I'm glad she recorded it, because I can't remember most of it; another unfavorable result of the nerves. We ended the interview with a short photo session wherein I babbled nervously and made awkward motions while looking anywhere but the camera. It's not that I'm uncomfortable with my picture being taken, it's just that if the specific purpose is to have a picture of me, I get all weird and don't know how to relax and act natural.

So, the feature should be out in the next month or two. I'm super excited about it and so thankful that she found me. Actually, she went to school with Maggie of Young Blood Gallery & Boutique. When Jen asked Maggie for a recommendation, she recommended me! Maggie has popped up at some of the festivals I've done over the years and they even sell my soap in the boutique. I guess networking can be more subtle and genuine than shoving your business card down people's throats and putting on a fake smile.

Speaking of Young Blood; I will be there from 7-10 p.m. this coming Thursday, selling my wares at Kraftwork. If you've never been to one, please come by. There are always several very talented artists selling all kinds of high quality, neat stuff. Here is a list of this month's participants.

we used to be something, but somethin' happened to me

2009-08-27T15:20:00.007-04:00

I figured a sad, twangy Ryan Adams would be the most appropriate for this post, though I'm finding myself relating to many a heartbreak song. My two year history with Peter has officially changed status. We've broken up. I still can't make myself change my facebook status as ridiculous that may sound. Although, to anyone who has gone through a painful breakup, I'm sure you can relate. This one is so different for me and actually caught me off guard. At the beginning, I was so terrified that he'd suddenly change his mind, call it off seemingly out of nowhere, and the rug would be pulled from under me. Well, the rug was pulled from under me but by my feelings of heartbreak over relief.

On the heels of his decision to move to Atlanta to be with me, fear and doubt, two extremely destructive things, began to creep in. I'd been fretting for the last few weeks that maybe we just couldn't relate on some very fundamental levels and it seemed that the easiest source of relief would be to end it. Every other break up for me has been a relief. I was completely done and moved on almost immediately. This one is not so. I don't understand how I can love someone and get along superbly until I return to my daily responsibilities. Perhaps in a few weeks when things sink in and I can start focusing my energies where I need to, I'll feel some release of pressure, but right now all I feel is lonely and sad.

I've been writing him letters. I'm not sure that I'll send them. His birthday is tomorrow. I feel I've failed. I have never had such ambivalence upon deciding to end a relationship. You see, he came here this past weekend and we went on a camping trip. I was consciously open to reconnecting and that's exactly what happened. We spent two nights in the mountains and genuinely enjoyed each other's company. Somehow, something happens when we're out of the woods and into daily life. Maybe it's that he so strongly reflects my shadow self:

"According to [Carl] Jung, the shadow, in being instinctive and irrational, is prone to project: turning a personal inferiority into a perceived .. deficiency in someone else."

I think there are basic differences in our perspectives that make living daily life together a struggle and I have no way to know whether we could get past them if I didn't unintentionally sabotage (oxymoron, I know) our relationship by turning into a neurotic control freak (exaggerating a little here) where he couldn't do anything right by my standards. I have seen some ugly parts of myself and not only do I still have this work to do on myself - in or out of the relationship - but I feel so empty on top of it. Perhaps that's a small price to pay for clarity over confusion. At least now I'm only troubled rather than troubled and indecisive.

We had a really special, unique, magical, adventurous, amazing run of it for a while. I have my theories on what went wrong and what changed, but I can't force myself to grow as a person any faster than I am able and I guess I'm just going to have to be okay with that. I have a feeling that I'm also going to have to be okay with the fact that this appears to be much more difficult for me to let go of than it is for him. At least that's the way it appears to me. I'm used to being the one who gets over it easily; but what is pride when your heart is broken?

I have nothing more to say.

I have endless things to say.

It's a hard way to fall.

This ain't the easy way down.

It's a hard thing to love anyone, anyhow.

presenting...

2009-08-02T19:22:00.007-04:00

custom cutie pie soap slices

I've finally come up with the perfect wedding favor soap. I was on the verge of this idea when this contest surfaced. Please view and comment on my entry. Mark is my brother and Melissa is his wife. They're such a positive example for me that it seemed only fitting to use their names.

Each slice weighs approximately one ounce and will be available presented in either an organza bag or white box with affixed label. Presentation and packaging photos still to come..

I will make available several versions of this. I will be offering whole cutie pies (pre-sliced if desired) for under $15, including gift packaging. Also, I will offer 4 slice gift packs for about $6.50 - pictures coming soon.

sale! SALE!

2009-07-31T17:14:00.002-04:00

This weekend, take 15% off your entire purchase in my etsy shop, no matter how big or small. There are quite a few brand new goodies that I've recently listed. Come take a look! (please) Discount will be applied as a paypal refund before items ship on Monday morning.

Etsy
Buy Handmade
Sudstress

ta-da!

2009-07-29T17:16:00.002-04:00

drum roll please.............

HERE it is!

Please comment on it if you feel so inclined. It would make my day.

look out!

2009-07-28T00:11:00.003-04:00

I am to be the featured artisan on Art Fire this Wednesday, July 29th. I answered several interview questions a couple of months ago and have completely forgotten what I said except that I mentioned Neko Case. I'm sure if I were to answer the questions again, they might be slightly different, as I'm sure they would for anyone. I'm very excited to see what happens. I've been focusing most of my energy on Etsy for my online sales and I'd like to see if I can make Art Fire work for me. Starting with exposure would certainly be an appropriate first step. I will post a link to the interview no matter how ridiculous my answers seem in retrospect.

Sudstress

Buy Handmade

teaser

2009-07-19T10:34:00.003-04:00

I've been working on a little something for this collaborative contest between martha stewart weddings (dot com) and etsy. I am not giving it away yet, but this might be the cutest soap I've ever made. It is a new take on, and combination of several things I've done in the past, but now they are coming together in a way that I think is perfect for this contest. I wish I could upload the picture right now, but it is too soon.... I have until September 1 to submit.

As you probably know, I am without traditional job and any sort of exposure through martha stewart would be h u g e.

I also have some other big news of a decision I made recently. The time is not right to announce that either. Sorry. This post has been one big tease.

clankin' around in my noggin

2009-07-12T14:57:00.005-04:00

custom wholesale soap

chocolate raspberry soap cake custom made for a bridal shower

tomato, pumice, clay, lemongrass, rosemary & clary sage gardener's herbal scrub soap

more sensual calendula petal - one of my favorites

silk & shea re-design

Gah! I've been meaning and meaning to write. You can rest assured that when there's nothing going on in my blog that there are all sorts of things happening my real life. I've been wrestling with several major issues lately and have been trying to sort them out. If you could see my thoughts, they'd probably resemble the aftermath of a tornado and I've spared all but those I need to help me through them. There are no quick fixes, I just have to trudge on through.

One major speedbump is that I quit my job about two months ago when I decided to permanently leave bartending after 14 years in the industry with no real plan on what to do next. It's obviously been and continues to be a huge transition for me even though I sort of glossed over it in a previous post. Then, three days after I quit, Neko died, overshadowing everything leaving me feeling as though the rug had been pulled out from under me. Every other day, I get this feeling like someone is wringing out my intestines when I remember how permanent death is. I've also been feeling isolated and disconnected as a result, which is strange because I love alone time and value it as highly as food, water and sleep. I'm an odd contradiction. My apologies for being so vague and so brief for those that might actually want to know what's clankin' around in my noggin.

Today I took a ton of pictures of soap that will be finished curing soon, so I'll share a couple with you and then come back later (maybe today, maybe not) to elaborate, vent, wax philosophical or just brag about my soap.

awww yeaaaaah

2009-06-20T19:35:00.004-04:00

My lavender patchouli mineral bath salts have been featured in the etsy weekend deals! If you've been meaning to order but just haven't gotten around to it, now is the time. I'm having a sale this weekend where all orders will receive a 15% discount 15% as well as a free blissful body oil sample, unless of course you order the blissful body oil, then you'll get a soap sample. Not only that, but three lucky customers will receive 50% off (via PayPal refund) when I draw three names at random on Sunday at midnight. Just write "RELAX" in the Message to Seller to receive your discount and sample. Discount will be refunded via PayPal and you never know if you might just be one of the lucky ones to get half off your order!

Also, my goal of passing 300 sales by July 1 is almost accomplished. If you're so inclined, head over to my etsy shop and grab some soaps that are on sale.

Father's Day draws nigh

2009-06-15T11:57:00.003-04:00

As part of the Etsy weekend deals in which I was featured, I've decided to extend the free customization of my after hours man soap where I will stamp either "Dad" or the name of your choice into both sides of the soap at the top so it shows when packaged.

here is what the stamped names look like

here is the soap they will be stamped into

All you have to do when you buy the soap is let me know the name you would like imprinted into your soap in the "notes to seller" section when ordering. I ship within 24 hours of receipt of payment and usually the same day. It's not too late!

kreativ blogger award, take 2

2009-06-13T12:03:00.003-04:00

The honor of the Kreativ Blogger Award has been bestowed upon me not once, but twice! (wOOt) Thank you so much to Jo of The Soap Bar and Tiggy from Future Primitive who have both named me as one of their recipients. As if it's not already enough that these lovely ladies' blogs already send me quite a bit of traffic, they both go and brighten my day. I think that because I received it twice, I'm allowed to include some honorable mentions.

Here are the rules of the award:
1. The winner may put the logo on his/her blog.
2. Put a link to the person you got the award from.
3. List seven things you love.
4. List seven blogs you love.
5. Leave a message for your nominees.

Seven Things that I Love:

all things soap
animals
hiking and camping in the mountains
activity, whether running, biking, walking, gyming...
swings of all kinds - porch swings, swingset swings, etc.
my family - some by blood, others by choice
unseasonably cool days that remind me of a northern summer

Honorable Mentions:

great music ( neko case, ryan adams, great lake swimmers, nick drake )
riding my bike around on summer nights when it stays light out till almost 10:00
the smell of pine needles

Seven Blogs that I Love (that I think will also do this challenge):

Jimiyo has long been one of my favorite blogs to read. Not only is he ridiculously talented and creative, but also very insightful and hilarious.
Haunt I hope Erin will have a chance to do this award challenge. Her blog has been mainly shipping updates lately, but I'm telling you, this woman makes the most fantastically beautiful soaps and her branding is pretty awesome.
Hansen Soap Co. is one of my fellow etsy SAFE team members. I've tried my hand at melt and pour soaps and I'll tell you, it is not an easy medium to work with. This woman makes some absolutely gorgeous creations and has just jumped into the wonderful world of cold process soap making.
bloom, grow, love is the photography blog of Alicia Bock. I've been a big fan of her photography since I first saw it on etsy about two years ago. She's an amazing talent and her blog posts are often as soft and romantic as her images.
( inside a black apple ) I discovered this blog while making an etsy treasury based on my love for neko case. When you do a search with the word neko on etsy, you'll find a lot of cat stuff and this. Her art is amazing.
Rachel's Studio Blog is another art blog. I actually won a giveaway from her and it's a beautiful painting. Her blog is cool because many times you get to vote on what she'll paint next.
miss monster. You just have to see it for yourself.

Honorable Mentions:

godmachine - amazing talent with a grotesque sort of style

light wading for the unadventurous - knitting, kitties

for lack of a better word - fantastic writings

Now I must deliver the awards via blog comments.

cravings

2009-06-10T10:54:00.003-04:00

I never got those pms - chocolate craving references. I sort of always thought they had some undertones of misogyny in a Cathy Cartoon (barf) kind of way that relies on stereotypes for its humor, and I use humor loosely here. I mean, I like chocolate, but I could probably live the rest of my life without it and be okay. As it turns out, though my affinity for the kind of chocolate you eat may be lacking, it is certainly in abundance for the kind you wash with. That's right, deep, dark, chocolate soap! Seriously, would you expect anything less from me by now?

at the risk of sounding...

2009-06-08T18:43:00.006-04:00

When Phoebe died in October of 2005, that evening a small vase on a small table in the kitchen where she spent a lot of time sitting, fell over. My mom had been visiting and we both heard it, as we were standing about 10 feet away. There was no movement, no breeze, no vibration; it just fell over from complete stillness. I got goose-bumps and I knew the energy of her little spirit passed through one last time to say goodbye. When Neko died, I was sort of expecting the same thing, one last little sign to say goodbye, never to be heard from again.

On the night Neko died, I spent the evening with my friend and neighbor, as upon returning to my apartment with an empty cat carrier, I found that I could not bear the silence of his absence; he was a rambunctious, talkative little guy. During those hours, I periodically checked in on Lilly to give her some petting, and I found the little fuzzy ball that Neko and I had played catch/fetch with the night before, the ball that had been sitting on the floor, now was sitting right in the middle of the couch. I returned it to the spot on the floor where it had been earlier and returned to my neighbor's place. When I came back a second time, there it was again, right in the middle of the couch, and once more, I returned it to the same spot on the floor. When I came home a third time, it remained on the floor. The next day I picked up Neko's cremated remains and upon returning home, there was the ball, one last time, sitting in the middle of the couch. I was thankful to have one more little sign. I know it was most likely Lilly who put it there, but that is uncharacteristic of her, which makes me think somehow the energy from his little spirit influenced her to do so.

Three nights ago, I fell asleep around 3:30 a.m. I've been avoiding getting into bed since that's the time that I can not avoid feeling a deep sense of loss, remembering him curled up next to my pillow every night and the last morning I woke up to him. Around 5, I woke to the sound of a single meow; startled, my eyes shot open and I saw the black, fuzzy shadow of a cat leaping across the ceiling. Again, it is very uncharacteristic for Lilly to meow at all, let alone one single outburst loud enough to wake me. As I thought about it the next day, it sure seemed like a little visit from beyond.

The day after, I went thrift store shopping for display pieces and came across a painting which at first I thought was an owl perched on a branch. As I looked at it more carefully, I saw that it was a cat sitting atop a post. The longer I looked at it the more undecided I became about whether I was looking at an owl or a cat, even though the nose was clearly that of a cat. I've always said that Neko looked like an owl with his tremendous smoky scruff and big yellow eyes. I even called him my little panther-owl. The reason this struck me as significant is not just because of that, but about a week before Neko died, I was up late in relative silence and heard an owl hooting from outside my window and decided to look up owl folklore. There is an endless list of what it means to hear an owl hoot, but I decided on Polish folklore as my father hails from Poland, and here is what I read:

"Poland: Polish folklore links Owls with death. Girls who die unmarried turn into doves; girls who are married when they die turn into Owls.
An owl cry heard in or near a home usually meant impending death, sickness, or other misfortune.
An old story tells how the Owl does not come out at during the day because it is too beautiful, and would be mobbed by other, jealous birds."

Reading that kind of freaked me out, but I didn't take it very seriously. Honestly, I thought maybe my father's time was near. A few days after Neko's death, I heard that owl hooting once again outside my window and haven't heard him since. I grew up greatly influenced by the Native American spiritual practices of my mother, so between this and the time a couple of years ago when an owl swooped down and flew right over the windshield of my car giving me a close up view of its spotted underbelly and large wing span as it headed into a wooded area on the other side of the street; I felt like the owl had something to teach me. When an animal presents itself a few times, with the possible exception of squirrels, or perhaps presents itself in an unusual way, I look into the lessons that animal has to teach based on what it represents. The "owl teaches the ability to extract secrets from within, so listen carefully". I have been feeling very lost and unable to find the answers within myself that tell me what is the right direction. I have been listening to the superficial chatter in my head that is based on fear for far too long and it is time that I learn to listen to that deeper voice that only silence and patience can help me to hear.

There is magic everywhere in the universe, it's just difficult to find sometimes, especially in times of death and loss. I have some lessons to learn that I had been avoiding and Neko's death has forced me to face them. I think it's normal for people to look for meaning in the untimely death of a loved one, whether it be a human or furry companion. For me, in the silence of Neko's absence, it's now time for me to listen.

a little better than before

2009-06-03T11:29:00.006-04:00

When I found out that Brazilian Rosewood was endangered due to its key role in the perfume industry and farming, I decided not to use it. The sad thing is, I'd gone through about 16 ounces of it before I happened upon this discovery, as it was not my suppliers who made this information available. None of my suppliers made it known and they still carried it and one still does. *email sent* This species has been on the CITES endangered list since 1992, yet "finished goods" from the Rosewood tree are completely legal even if obtained outside the law, based on what I've read. I have found sustainable Rosewood, but am sad that irresponsible harvesting is still supported. There is just no substitute for this amazing oil and I can't imagine never being able to smell it again. From Herbal Gram - The Journal of the American Botanical Council:

"There have been numerous efforts to find alternative sources of linalool. Many have been found which are suitable for various consumer products; however, the linalool from rosewood is irreplaceable for perfumery, at least with respect to efforts to maintain the original formula for some market leaders like Chanel No. 5. This is due to the unique combination of percentages of (+) and (-) linalool. A major part of linalool used commercially for various purposes (home products, some lower-cost perfumes) is synthetic, and a racemic mixture of (+) and (-) isomers. What gives rosewood essential oil its unique smell is the unique combination of the percentages of the (+) and (–) isomers, which are difficult to obtain via commercial synthesis or from alternative plant sources. This means that in terms of conservation, major commercial users need to use the synthetic and alternative natural sources, while those that for whatever reason still must use the original essential oil must invest in sustainable management of existing rosewood trees as well as reforestation of new trees. (E. Elisabetsky, e-mail, July 7, 2006.)"

"Some scientists, meanwhile, have noted that natural rosewood oil can be obtained through sustainable means. Stems and leaves of rosewood trees also produce an oil rich in linalool, meaning that distillation of these regenerative tree parts can derive the fragrant oil previously extracted only from the destruction of full rosewood trees.³ AVIVE plans to employ just such methods in the production of its own rosewood-scented products (B. Schmal, e-mail, March 13, 2006). For this purpose, the women of AVIVE have planted and are tending a plantation of 2,000 young rosewoods. They have further engaged in partnerships with Precious Woods Amazon, a supplier of sustainably sourced exotic wood, and with land owners in their district, which has resulted in cooperative management of forest areas and has enabled AVIVE’s sustainable use of those areas’ non-wood forest products."

On a related note, I'm also happy to report that I get my Palm Oil from a supplier who sells RSPO certified Palm. You can read more here.

All the problems are not solved, but with each step, we get closer and closer to leaving a smaller footprint. Now that you're conscious and aware, I'd like to introduce the new organic carrot juice & fair trade shea butter facial bar with sustainable Rosewood, Patchouli and Tea Tree.

sweeeeet!

2009-05-31T01:04:00.006-04:00

I was on a sugar kick earlier this month. I made blue sugar with too much water mixed into my kaolin clay, giving it that old paint crackle look that reminds me of an old country home,

then I made brown sugar which moved so fast on me that I had to hot process it, and it just happened to come out looking like a big, glorious hunk of yummy, sweet brown sugar crystals,

then I made pink sugar which came out pretty much as planned.

Yow, I have a sweet tooth and since I try to avoid the kind you eat, I make the kind you can smell and slather all over your body...

next post: carrot juice, shea butter facial bar

ragamushroom

2009-05-30T18:35:00.005-04:00

I have been spending a lot of time with Lilly since Neko is no longer here to harass her. She will not enter my bedroom, which is a new thing. She slept next to me the night Neko died, but since then, will not stay on the bed when I bring her in there each night. She used to spend a fair amount of time in there, but perhaps now the room is filled with his spirit, still spending each night with me. I have not slept well since his death. I get to the point where I can't keep my eyes open on the couch, but once my head hits the pillow on my bed, I am wide awake, reliving the day of his death. I hope time will eventually allow me to fall asleep with a sense of peace first rather than loss.

Lilly is not as sleek as Neko was, but rather a raggedy, easily matted fluffball no matter how much I brush her. Her shape is also a bit mushroom-like when she sits, and so I nicknamed her "ragamushroom" (ragamuffin +mushroom) but is also known as Lilly, Lillygirl, my little muffin top, mushroom, ragamuffin, ragamushroom, etc. She, like Neko, shows her belly often, but will attack if said belly is rubbed. Neko didn't mind so much.

safe and welcomed

2009-05-30T14:32:00.004-04:00

I have officially been included as a member of the etsy SAFE team this month. "The SAFE Team (Soap Artisan Friends of Etsy) is a group of soapmakers committed to excellence and best manufacturing practices on etsy. We are open to soapers of all levels, from the hobbyist to the well-established seller, including those who create other bath & body products such as lotions, balms, butters and sprays. We continually strive to perfect our craft and educate ourselves and others about the best practices a soaper must follow both to remain in compliance with FDA laws and to ensure quality products. We are a team that takes great pride in our craft – as it is a blend of both science and art.

We are also friends. As such, we value and insist upon respect for all members. We are a world-wide group and run the spectrum of beliefs, cultures, and political leanings, so opinions and personalities will differ - this is expected and respected. We ask that everyone is treated with courtesy and kindness."

I was welcomed in true soaper fashion, much like I was on the soapy internet forum I have been a member of and active on for a handful of years. Right around the same time that my provisional membership ended and my permanent membership began, Neko died. It was then that the team's true colors really shined and I was offered much consolation both on their public thread and privately. It's a thread newly weaved into my support system and I am thankful and proud to be a part of it. There are some talented people from all over who are a part of this team. I'm tentatively going to be a part of a collaborative blog post on the team's blog site and am very much looking forward to it. wOOt! SAFEteam.

way to go, pharmaceutical companies. you must be so proud.

2009-05-24T12:46:00.004-04:00

Maybe it's because of my recent loss that everything seems so trivial. Maybe I have some anger along with my grief and sadness and I don't want to direct it at a person, so something like this gets me riled up.

I pay $150 a month for my health insurance that carries a $10,000 deductible with 6 doctor visits a year at a $40 co-pay. My premium goes up by $30 per month every year with no relief in sight. I have a pre-existing condition if I ever try to change plans and may be forced to make a choice in treatment that I don't feel comfortable with because it is the only one I can afford and Fing people with no real problems are using prescription coverage for THIS?

I understand that there are many cosmetic procedures that have a large impact on self image and quality of life, but this is Fing ridiculous. Maybe it's that I can't escape my pain in the silence of my home and when I try to drown it out with television, and the pain just bubbles up in another manner, because this really pisses me off.

thank you and goodbye

2009-05-22T20:41:00.006-04:00

I just want to say thank you to all the people who've been a great source of support for me in this very painful time. I learned that there are so many people who can empathize and are willing to do anything or be there for me even if it's not convenient for them. There is still a big hole in my heart, but I am so thankful for the genuine care people have expressed.

It turned out that Neko has thickening of his heart muscle from the most common feline heart disease called hypertrophic myocardiopathy. It's difficult to diagnose since cats are usually asymptomatic until the disease is progressed and they get fluid in their lungs or a blood clot that can paralyze their hind quarters. There is a part of me that questions things I could've done to have prevented this, but no matter what this time always has to come and even though he was only 3 years old, he had a fun, happy, active, loving life and never had to suffer or get sick. He had a big heart and loved me so much. We had a really tight bond. He slept next to my pillow every night, sometimes pawing at my nose so that he could sleep on it. The hardest parts for me have been waking up every day without him. He always knew the second I woke up and if he wasn't already next to me, he was head-butting me within seconds.

Neko was my special little guy. He was my favorite. I feel like the one positive thing that may come from this is that Lilly and I have a chance to form a closer bond. She's starting to notice he's not around and I'm sad that I find myself comparing her to Neko, as their size, demeanor and personalities are so wildly different. Sometimes it's comforting to have her around and other times it just makes it more obvious that Neko is gone.

On the eve of his death, I came home from my neighbor's to pet Lilly before going back and twice I found the little toy that Neko and I had played fetch with the night before, sitting in the middle of the couch. Then once again the next day when I came home from picking up his remains, it sat there on the couch. I feel like that was his last little goodbye.

So, I'm posting one of the last pictures I took of him giving me such joy as he did daily. I can't count the times that I looked at him and just felt my heart swell full of love for him and really appreciate having him as my companion. He was hilarious and unique and so, so full of personality.

If anyone had planned to come and see me during the Decatur Arts Festival, I will not be setting up on Saturday and am going to see how I feel about Sunday. It's just so soon and though it could be a good distraction, I'm physically weak and exhausted from not really being able to eat and I am not far enough removed that I can tell people why I'm not peppy without bursting into tears.

no words can describe.

2009-05-20T18:26:00.001-04:00

Neko died today. I am so sad. God, I loved him so much.

festival, sorta...

2009-05-20T12:06:00.004-04:00

My dear Atlantans. It's been a big week. I quit my job. I could write paragraph after paragraph after paragraph about how, why, etc., but I feel like doing that would just create negative emotion and anxiety over such things that I quit to move forward from in the first place. It was a long time coming and I'm excited to move on to what's next and I'll leave it at that.

Oh! The reason I started out with my dear Atlantans is that I'll be on the periphery of a festival this weekend. Memorial Day weekend marks the annual Decatur Arts Festival. Like a few other festivals, this one caters solely to the "fine arts" and those who create consumables, i.e. soap, are ineligible for participation. H o w e v e r . . . one store that carries my soaps - Melrose on Ponce - rents out space in front of their shop, so I thought I'd give it a whirl. I paid slightly less than a festival this size would cost in order to set up, which is a bit of a risk as I don't know how it will work out not being legitimately associated with the festival. There is never any way to predict the results when officially part of a festival either, so, really it's no different. I will still benefit from the foot traffic in the neighborhood and possibly more because I know there will likely be no other bath & body vendors around the festival. Also, Melrose on Ponce is such a great store and I like that it's a mutually beneficial deal. Last but not least, it's more exposure even if I don't sell much, my soap will still be in the hands of that many more people, and I will have more names on my mailing list. This is particularly a good thing because when Comcast made the switch a few months ago, I lost my entire contact list. *shaking fists at comcast* Fortunately I still have the notebooks I used to collect people's emails and am rebuilding it slowly but surely.

In any event, look for something like this - I'll be set up Friday evening, all day Saturday and Sunday.

On a side note, today is a big day for me since I dropped Neko off at Lifeline for an affordable way to get his nuggets clipped and update his shots. I'll admit I shed a few tears. His little beanbags are the last connection I have to Fat Head who is the last connection to Phoebe. Plus, it's lonely without that little furrball terrorizing the place. Lilly seems to be enjoying the peace and quiet and has not left my lap for a moment at any time when I've been sitting down today.

graduation sale

2009-05-14T18:45:00.005-04:00

After a very successful and rainy April, so far this month has me seeing tumbleweeds blowing through my etsy shop. This on the heels of a pretty big and baffling personal and professional let down which I will not go into detail about, but has been upsetting and bewildering none the less. In the spirit of catharsis through shopping, I'm offering a weekend graduation sale that should help both you and me feel better.

This Friday 5/15 through Sunday 5/17 - receive 10% off your order of any size. The first 15 orders will receive a free 1.5 oz guest soap square in either 'swirled sandalwood' or 'sweet orange & lemongrass' - be sure to let me know if you have a preference in the notes to seller when ordering.

swirled sandalwood

sweet orange & lemongrass

(3.5 oz size pictured)

quickie

2009-05-03T04:09:00.008-04:00

I've had so many different topics that I'd like to write about, thinking about them during quiet moments while jogging or driving in silence. Alas, I have not had much chance. I have a lot that I need to get done today and not the time nor the brain power to write something intelligible at the moment, so I thought I'd take the opportunity to post my big fat marshmallow looking first attempt at bath bombs. One looks close to as it should only with cracks while the rest are a sad display.

attack of the stay puff bath bomb

domes instead of spheres

lopsided growth

sad

almost but not quite

Also, the Inman Park Festival was a great success, thanks to a huge crowd and great weather and awesome neighbors who gave me this awesome wiener shirt and my favorite of their posters - Neko Case of course.

On a side note, am I the only one that thinks the "open heart collection" from kay jewelers looks more like a half assed attempt at boobs, balls and/or butts? The ad does not have me convinced that she spent more than ten minutes coming up with that stupid painting. Way to get 'er done in a hurry, though.